Nidoking (nidoking) wrote,

Please kill me; I'm trying my best to deserve it a.k.a. Twilight

As the subject line should make perfectly obvious, Curt went to great lengths to legally secure a copy of Twilight the movie at no cost so we could watch it without giving any money (directly) to the people responsible for it, and be able to be justified in saying that it's crap, because now we've seen it - we know it's crap, rather than just taking the word of everyone we know who's seen the movie and said it was crap. And now, of course, I want to spread the joy. I'm rather torn, though... traditionally, I'd do a story reduction, but this story reduces to almost nothing.

BELLA: I hate travel, so I'm going to move from Arizona to Washington.
JACOB: Here, have a truck.
FORKS HIGH SCHOOL: Man, you're pale. Go to the prom with me?
BELLA: Who's that guy? He's paler than me!
EDWARD: Excuse me, I have to throw up.
BELLA: What's the deal, jerk?
EDWARD: Oh, sorry. Let me stop this careening truck with my bare hands to save you.
JACOB: I'd tell you about Edward, but it's a tribal secret. So don't go looking it up in a book or anything.
BELLA: You're a... hang on, I think this really needs a long, convoluted buildup before I mention that there are vampires in this vampire romance novel.
EDWARD: I so want to bite you, if only to shut you up.
BELLA: Ooh, shiny.
LAURENT: I hope we're not disturbing you... let's leave peacefully so there's no conflict in the movie.
JAMES: Wait, they have a human! We've got to kill her!
LAURENT: So, yeah, you guys might want to run and hide or something.
EDWARD: This is the perfect time for me to split up with Bella!
BELLA: I should go back to Phoenix! They'll never think to look for me there!
JAMES: So I was watching this movie called The Terminator, and it gave me a brilliant idea...
EDWARD: Whoops... guess I shouldn't have left her alone after all.
BELLA: Finally, I get to be a vampire like I've always wanted.
EDWARD: I'll suck your blood... to STOP you from becoming a vampire. Because that's how it works.
BELLA: Does this cast make my dress make me look fat?
EDWARD: So you do realize that, when you're an old woman, I'm still going to be a teenager?
BELLA: Well, I've got three movies left to convince you to bite me. Give it time.

So I was going to do a review in the style of Red Letter Media reviews, but that would take way too long, and I'm lazy, and I didn't pay nearly enough attention to detail to pick up on the little annoying things. So I just deleted what I had, and forget about it. I'm going to watch some football and do other stuff with my time.
Tags: story reductions

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