BELLA: I hate travel, so I'm going to move from Arizona to Washington.
JACOB: Here, have a truck.
FORKS HIGH SCHOOL: Man, you're pale. Go to the prom with me?
BELLA: Who's that guy? He's paler than me!
EDWARD: Excuse me, I have to throw up.
BELLA: What's the deal, jerk?
EDWARD: Oh, sorry. Let me stop this careening truck with my bare hands to save you.
JACOB: I'd tell you about Edward, but it's a tribal secret. So don't go looking it up in a book or anything.
BELLA: You're a... hang on, I think this really needs a long, convoluted buildup before I mention that there are vampires in this vampire romance novel.
EDWARD: I so want to bite you, if only to shut you up.
BELLA: Ooh, shiny.
LAURENT: I hope we're not disturbing you... let's leave peacefully so there's no conflict in the movie.
JAMES: Wait, they have a human! We've got to kill her!
LAURENT: So, yeah, you guys might want to run and hide or something.
EDWARD: This is the perfect time for me to split up with Bella!
BELLA: I should go back to Phoenix! They'll never think to look for me there!
JAMES: So I was watching this movie called The Terminator, and it gave me a brilliant idea...
EDWARD: Whoops... guess I shouldn't have left her alone after all.
BELLA: Finally, I get to be a vampire like I've always wanted.
EDWARD: I'll suck your blood... to STOP you from becoming a vampire. Because that's how it works.
BELLA: Does this cast make my dress make me look fat?
EDWARD: So you do realize that, when you're an old woman, I'm still going to be a teenager?
BELLA: Well, I've got three movies left to convince you to bite me. Give it time.
So I was going to do a review in the style of Red Letter Media reviews, but that would take way too long, and I'm lazy, and I didn't pay nearly enough attention to detail to pick up on the little annoying things. So I just deleted what I had, and forget about it. I'm going to watch some football and do other stuff with my time.