Man robs his ex-girlfriend at Wal-Mart, then tries to escape in one of their motorized scooters. You know, the ones they supply for disabled customers who can't walk around very easily. The ones you can get off and run faster than. Now, the article mentions that he'd been injured in a domestic dispute (by her), so maybe he really couldn't move any faster without the scooter. That still doesn't make it a viable getaway vehicle.
A Swiss court, which apparently bases its fines on the finee's income, fines a millionaire almost $300,000 for speeding. At least we know he wasn't in a motorized scooter.
Woman leaves her children in the car while she's tanning. In the freezing cold winter we've been having, mind. (Shut up, Australia.)
The phone line for a free tow service in Carlsbad, NM directed callers to a porn line instead. I think the idea was to stimulate the second strongest muscle in the human body with enough strength to pull the car itself. (Because nobody wants to pull a car with their tongue... do they?) That said, I like the idea of offering free towing to the drunk. Just make sure the person setting up the service isn't drunk as well.
Woman can't hold herself up during pole-dancing class, sues the gym. Don't worry, lady. There are call centers where no physical lifting is required. They're apparently in high demand lately.
Man tries to avoid arrest by wearing women's clothes. The disguise didn't work, but I bet the mug shots were hilarious!
Man breaks into house to assault a woman, but she's babysitting his kids. The years of peek-a-boo had taught them how to recognize the parts of their father's face that were visible.
Woman trashes McDonald's because she doesn't like her burger. She then picked up her duffel bag and left the restaurant. Witnesses said they were shocked to discover that anyone had expected to enjoy a McDonald's hamburger.
Funeral home gives a family their mother's brain in a bag. They say it's like something from a Stephen King book, but I have to disagree. In a Stephen King book, it would have to have been part of a pattern of carefully crafted psychological abuse. The funeral home would have had to kill the mother themselves and hack her brain out. That, or the brain would possess one of the surviving family members and their mother would live on in spirit by sharing a body. Something like that. A brain in a bag on its own is more like a transplant in New Jersey.
Young girls rob a bank and escape with the money through police surveillance. I don't know if that's really funny, but come on... adults plan robberies like these carefully and get caught all the time, but a couple of kids just waltz in and take what they want. There's probably a lesson in there somewhere.
Man whose plant pots are taken by the police calls to ransom them back. Come on, man! Elementary mistake! A 12-year-old girl would have spotted that one!
Man brought down by vigilante mob and arrested for tying up his 12-year-old daughter and driving away with her as a prank. Commenters seem disturbed that they would cite the daughter as well, but we know better. She was probably celebrating a successful bank robbery.
And I really need to stop thinking about 12-year-old girls doing things they shouldn't... I keep picturing Amanda Bynes on the cover of Maxim and realizing that the gap between celebrities like Paris Hilton and Miley Cyrus isn't entirely empty. Not that Amanda's done anything to be ashamed of, but she really has to watch her back. The first stupid thing she does will be turned into a parody of "Ask Ashley" on Saturday Night Live. Remember I said it.
Woman shoots her husband, then gets a DUI while trying to drive him to the hospital. I wonder if she thought of calling the towing service and just got confused when the operator asked her to take off her clothes and wait two hours for the next available driver.
Man tries to use baby as a Taser shield. I'd make a "don't Tase me, bro" joke, but apparently, the line here was "Tase the baby." I wonder if he realized that the electricity would still shock him through the baby.
Woman punches through McDonald's drive-thru window because they ran out of Chicken McNuggets. I know this is old news to most of you, but new facts have come up: They only claimed to be out of McNuggets, on the suspicion that if they'd served her, she'd have trashed the restaurant in retaliation. Only losing one window was considered the safer alternative.
Funeral home cremates the wrong body, as a family realized when they saw someone else in their great-grandmother's casket. Fortunately, they'd remembered to save her brain in a gift bag.
Man calls 911 for a ride from one bar to another. The cops end up taking him to a bunch of bars and puts him behind them. He later admitted that he'd tried a towing company first, but the ride they offered him wasn't to a real place.
Funeral home offers free burials for drunk drivers. Among services offered are alternative numbers for towing services to help you keep your pledge, women's clothing and a 12-year-old girl to help you evade the police, and they'll even send your brain to your family in a bag! What more could you want?
The last story for today is a doozy, so brace yourselves. It begins with a man and a woman shoplifting from Wal-Mart. The man was arrested by an off-duty cop, so his wife faked a heart attack and pretended she didn't know him. When a witness was able to confirm their relationship, she attacked the witness and got stabbed for her trouble. The full story, which I'm not making up. This is a couple who really should have tried to escape in motorized carts. It couldn't have made things any worse.