Nidoking (nidoking) wrote,

Harry Potter and so many things nobody really cared about

So, this is it. My final Harry Potter book/movie reduction. I don't imagine I'm going to be able to improve much on what I've got now, even with a few things out of order. It's all about being funny and reminding everyone of why they loved the book and what's messed up about that, and how the movie went off on its own agenda even more so than ever before. This one really had a lot to pick apart, and the flaws are big enough to drive a hippogriff through. Speaking of which... "Whitherwings"? Seriously? Nobody's going to hear that and put the silent H at the front, and without that, it takes on a completely different, very unintended meaning. Tell me I'm not the only reader who noticed that. It's even worse in the audiobook.

FUDGE: The world's really gone to pot since You-Know-Who came back. The death toll is rising... from all those bridges collapsing with nobody on them.
SNAPE: Let's answer the question once and for all. I'm evil and have been all along. Take my word for it.
NARCISSA: Then will you do the most evil thing in the series?
SNAPE: Sure, why not?
BELLATRIX: Pinky swear it!
SNAPE: *sigh*
HARRY: *sigh* He's not coming.
DUMBLEDORE: Who's not coming?
HARRY: Professor! I was just about to have a wild romantic night!
DUMBLEDORE: No, that's just what a normal person, like someone portrayed in a movie, would have been doing. You've been sitting at home with your aunt and uncle the whole time. Speaking of which, I need to chew them out as if it weren't my fault you've been here all along.
HARRY: What happened to your hand?
DUMBLEDORE: The same thing my mother always warned me would happen if I didn't stop - anyway, let's go meet someone interesting.
HARRY: Apparition is really uncomfortable. Say, Professor, why is it that all methods of magical transportation are less convenient than Muggle transit? Apparition feels like being suffocated, Floo powder is sooty, the Knight Bus makes people carsick, broomsticks are hard to sit on for long periods, and most people can't even see thestrals! The best we've got is magical trains, and the only magical thing about those is that the platforms are hidden!
DUMBLEDORE: Let's just pretend we don't notice and enter this house that looks ransacked. Nice upholstery job, Horace.
SLUGHORN: Well, it isn't easy to disguise all this bulk!
HARRY: They did a good job of it in the movie. You didn't look half as wide as you were described. In fact, you didn't look anything like your description in the book.
SLUGHORN: Harry Potter, you are such a flatterer! I'll teach at Hogwarts if it means I can teach you.
DUMBLEDORE: Horace rather likes to, er, "collect" people.
HARRY: Should I be worried about that?
DUMBLEDORE: Yes. I mean no. I mean... which version are we parodying here? Oh, by the way, I'm giving you special lessons this year.
HARRY: I can finally learn Occlumency properly?
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, no. It's vital that you use it, but you'll never be able to learn how. Instead, I'm going to teach you all about Voldemort. This will coincidentally make him the most fleshed-out character in the series to this point.
HARRY: What's so important about Voldemort's past?
DUMBLEDORE: I have no idea. Well, actually, I know exactly what's going on, but I need absolute proof before I'll admit it. Instead, enjoy seeing your O.W.L. results and spending the rest of the summer with the Weasleys.
HARRY: Hang on... am I really the only student in the whole year who got an O on my Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L.? I taught at least a dozen other people how to summon a Patronus!
RON: On the bright side, we can drop the boring subjects AND we know who our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will be this year!
HARRY: All excellent points. Let's check out Fred and George's joke shop.
GINNY: I don't need a love potion. My milkshake brings all the boys with the scars.
MALFOY: I'm a big boy now. I can do my own shopping!
HARRY: Let's see what kind of "big boy" shopping he's really doing.
HERMIONE: He seems to be very interested in that vanishing cabinet.
HARRY: What vanishing cabinet?
HERMIONE: No idea... I suddenly felt like I was on the big screen and it was obvious what he was doing in there.
HARRY: Well, I'm determined to find out what Malfoy wanted in that shop. Nothing will ever sway me from my goal!
SLUGHORN: Want to have lunch with me, Harry?
HARRY: Oh, sure. Hey, I wonder what Malfoy's up to now.
MALFOY: The "big boss" has got a job for me, see? Nyeah!
HARRY: Malfoy's working for Voldemort! I'd better forget about trying to figure out what he was buying in Borgin and Burke's and start figuring out what he's doing for the Death Eaters instead.
MALFOY: You thought you could sneak in undetected just because it's been working for the last five years? Your penalty game is a broken nose!
HARRY: I've never felt closer to Dumbledore. Shame I'm about to be taken far away from him.
TONKS: Oops. Looks like you broke something.
LUNA: What, you mean the Order of the Phoenix is watching Harry? That's something only a conspiracy nut would believe! By the way, you've got a nargle in your hair.
SNAPE: Why, Nymphomania, your Patronus has changed. Surely, with its focus on the romantic relationships that come out of this book, the movie will make a big deal of it.
TONKS: Nuts to that! I may actually survive the last film if they forget about me!
DUMBLEDORE: Surprise! We're going to break the pattern of evil Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers at last by appointing Snape to that position, while Professor Slughorn will teach Potions. Coincidentally, this gives Harry a leg up on his aspirations to become an Auror, but I'm sure that had nothing to do with the way things turned out.
HARRY: Shame I've got to use this secondhand book that's been written all over. Half-Blood Prince? What half-bloods who would have been students fifty years ago can I think of who might call themselves princes? Meh, I'll just follow the instructions blindly.
SLUGHORN: Harry, you remind me so much of your mother.
HARRY: Odd. I remind everyone else of my father, except for my eyes.
SLUGHORN: Oh, yes, eyes, of course. You're not at all effeminate. Here, why don't you take this vial of golden liquid.
HARRY: (eyes him suspiciously) This is a potion, right?
SLUGHORN: Starts with the same letter, what's the difference?
SNAPE: I love the Dark Arts. The Dark Arts are the greatest type of magic in the world. I would marry the Dark Arts, but I'm a devoted bachelor. I sure hope this isn't making me look too evil.
MALFOY: This repair isn't going very well.
HARRY: Repair? Oh, right. I was supposed to be doggedly trying to figure out what he's trying to repair. Guess I'll forget about the whole Death Eater thing and get back to worrying about that.
RON: You're the Quidditch captain this year. Can I still be on the team?
CORMAC: No way! I'm the best Quidditch player in the world! I can play all seven positions at once!
HARRY: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... we'll need to keep such an important player in reserve, to avoid injuries, you understand.
GINNY: It's not a problem that I'm dating Dean Thomas, is it?
HARRY: Only to the extent that it would be a problem if I surreptitiously arranged for a Bludger to smash his face in during our next practice.
RON: Speaking of being completely oblivious to all signs of jealousy, that Lavender girl seems to be really interested in me. I like that.
HARRY: Have you considered attracting her attention by not sucking at Quidditch?
RON: I knew I was doing something wrong.
HERMIONE: You're not going to drink that lucky potion, are you?
HARRY: No, he isn't, but I'm not going to tell him so.
DUMBLEDORE: Let's go into the past to meet Tom Riddle's family.
OGDEN: Even a wimp like me has the full might of the Ministry behind me!
MARVOLO: You think I care? Look at this vitally important ring and necklace! Hear the names of Peverell and Slytherin and remember them well! And get what's left of your nose out of here before you drip fluids all over my floor and clean bits of the dust out!
DUMBLEDORE: I hope you noticed a few key details that I'm sure are critical even though I still apparently don't actually know what's going on here.
HARRY: Haven't you destroyed that ring?
DUMBLEDORE: Yes. Would you believe I have no idea why I did that?
DUMBLEDORE: Well, it's only the readers we have to fool.
HARRY: Speaking of fooling readers, obviously whoever cursed Katie wasn't Malfoy, so I'm going to claim it was and never give up.
EVERYONE ELSE: It really wasn't Malfoy! Seriously!
SLUGHORN: Forget about the world's problems and come attend my Christmas party. You'll have to bring a date, of course!
HARRY: Not this again!
PARVATI: And you can forget about inviting me. Once was more than enough.
LUNA: I've never been to a party before. Will it hurt?
SNAPE: Draco, you really screwed up with that necklace. Now let me help you do that really evil thing I promised I'd do.
HARRY: There, doesn't that prove that the necklace was Malfoy's work, and that Snape's trying to help him do evil stuff?
HERMIONE: I still can't accept such conclusive evidence because I'm seething with jealousy over Ron and Lavender.
RON: Why do birds suddenly appear every time I am near Hermione?
HARRY: Hey, Ginny, feel like chasing some Death Eaters into a swamp?
GINNY: Completely pointless scenes that weren't in the book? Sounds like fun!
ARTHUR: Now look what you've done! They've burned my house down! What are we going to do about continuity with the start of the seventh book?
HARRY: How about a really, really big Reparo spell?
DUMBLEDORE: This time, we're going to meet Tom Riddle the way I did.
HARRY: With extreme prejudice?
DUMBLEDORE: No, utter naïveté. I seemed to treat his psychopathy as mere childish antics. Still thought it was completely memorable, though.
RIDDLE: Doesn't everyone my age steal stuff and terrorize their friends with magic?
DUMBLEDORE: Well, yes, but cut it out anyway.
HARRY: Hey, I just realized that I can use the Marauder's Map to figure out where Malfoy's going! I'll forget about trying to figure out what he's repairing and focus on where he's spending all his time instead.
HERMIONE: Shouldn't we be trying to figure out who the Half-Blood Prince is?
HARRY: Nah. That's just the title. Since when has the thing named in the title been important to the story?
DUMBLEDORE: Well, since nothing else important is happening, let's get on with the lessons. This time, I'm going to show you a fake memory.
SLUGHORN: This memory has most definitely NOT been Pensoshopped to make me look noble. Pay no attention to the blurred edges, the spots where the wallpaper doesn't line up, and the Stephen King-esque fog.
HARRY: So you think Slughorn really told Voldemort about Horcruxes?
DUMBLEDORE: I can't imagine what else he could have been so ashamed of that he'd alter his own memory. But I still can't be sure. I need you to go get that original memory. Have you been preparing as I asked you to?
HARRY: Only in the film version.
RON: Suddenly, I feel very much in love with Romilda Vane.
HARRY: I think it's the chocolates.
RON: No, no, it's definitely Romilda.
SLUGHORN: I've got just the cure for that. Poisoned wine! That'll make sure he never falls in love again!
HARRY: Great. Now I know how Angelina felt last year when she had to replace most of the team.
CORMAC: Don't worry, Harry! I'll show you why I'm named the MVP of every Quidditch game I play in! For the other side.
HARRY: I haven't been injured like this since Dobby... wait a minute! In the books, House Elves still exist! I can have Kreacher follow Malfoy and find out where he's going!
DOBBY: Dobby will do it! Don't send rotten Kreacher who is a bad elf!
HARRY: Hmmm... I'm pretty sure Kreacher will try to betray me if I let him anywhere near Malfoy, and I've got a very helpful and eager elf willing to follow my orders, but I'm sure I can close all the loopholes with logic.
KREACHER: Kreacher isn't very helpful for all of that anyway.
HARRY: So, Malfoy is spending his time in the Room of Requirement, eh? Guess I'd better figure out how to get inside while he's in there.
HERMIONE: You can't get in unless you can figure out what it is he's doing in there!
HARRY: Fat chance of that. If I could be bothered to think that much, I'd still be trying to figure out where Malfoy is hiding that thing he's trying to repair. So what IS he doing in the Room of Requirement? It shouldn't take too long to figure out how to get in.
(Several weeks later)
DUMBLEDORE: Sounds like you've had quite an interesting couple of months! So, where's that memory?
HARRY: I feel the need to describe in detail what it's like to get to class and realize that you've forgotten to do your homework, because this is a sensation that no child would recognize.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh well. In that case, I'll have to show you a memory that demonstrates that Voldemort loves to collect things related to the Hogwarts founders, and one that shows he wanted to come back to Hogwarts to teach after he graduated.
HARRY: He wanted to be a Hogwarts teacher? Does his evil know no bounds? But what does this all MEAN?
DUMBLEDORE: I still have no way to put the pieces together without that critical memory with the really obvious conclusion.
HARRY: I get the hint. You're no Sherlock Holmes.
HERMIONE: I think you should just keep asking Slughorn until he gives you the memory.
HARRY: That's stupid! Who would keep doing the same thing over and over expecting it to work? (goes back to working on the Room of Requirement) Oh, fine, I'll drink some lucky potion. Then I'll go to Hagrid's.
HERMIONE: Hagrid's? Why?
HARRY: Have you forgotten that note he sent us telling us that Aragog was dying and we might want to come watch him bury it and then dance on its grave a bit? Oh, right, they didn't put that in the movie for some reason.
SLUGHORN: A giant spider, you say? Its venom has the power to overcome all scruples. Certainly a better lure than you just continuing to walk and trusting me to follow you.
HARRY: Now that you're good and drunk, how about helping me defeat the most evil dark wizard the world has ever known?
SLUGHORN: Is he really THAT bad? I mean, sure, he killed lots of people for fun, gathered armies who liked to do the same, tortured his enemies in ways that would have made the CIA blanch, and actually used posies for decoration... but is he REALLY that bad?
HARRY: He killed my mother.
SLUGHORN: I can't believe anyone would ever be so evil! Here, take the memory and you show that guy what for!
PAST SLUGHORN: Okay, okay, so I really told Tom Riddle about Horcruxes. You can still see how reluctant I was, and he already knew about them from his own research! The only thing I said was that you could probably split your soul into seven, if you were a real moron and wanted to screw with the fabric of reality. What child HASN'T tried to do that at least once with no adult supervision?
DUMBLEDORE: Seven! Of course! That's the key that puts all the pieces together! Voldemort has been gathering these objects to make Horcurxes, and we've been finding and destroying them ever since.
HARRY: Sure, but didn't you already figure out all of that, except for the confirmation of how many of them there were? I mean, you destroyed one yourself, and you said I'd destroyed one too. What, precisely, did this memory tell us that you didn't already at least strongly suspect?
DUMBLEDORE: Harry... we need some sense of dramatic effect here. Please do try and keep up. Now, here's the list of things I think are Horcruxes, based on what we've seen in these memories and what we know about Voldemort.
HARRY: ... you compiled that list just now, since we watched that vitally important memory that we couldn't proceed without?
DUMBLEDORE: Would it distract you at all if I offer to take you with me the next time I go somewhere to find a Horcrux?
HARRY: Not as much as finding Malfoy crying in a bathroom.
MALFOY: This totally warrants the use of the Cruciatus Curse!
HARRY: Time to use another spell from the Prince! Shame I never studied Latin or I'd have known what it did before using it.
SNAPE: I'll tell you what it means... you're in big trouble. If you happen to have any old Potions textbooks with spells written in my handwriting in the margins, bring them here.
HARRY: I'll just hide it in the Room of Requirement, next to the old vanishing cabinet that looks just like the one Malfoy was interested in.
GINNY: I'm so proud of you for running away from your problems, I could kiss you right now! Who wants to wait until I win us the Quidditch cup?
SNAPE: That's it. I'm putting anyone with the nickname "Roonil Wazlib" in detention forever.
HARRY: Awww... and I was JUST finding the right girl for me after all this time! This whole high school romance thing was really working for me... enough that I wanted to make a movie out of it.
DUMBLEDORE: Would I be able to take you away from your romantic turmoil for an evening to go on a dangerous quest for a Horcrux?
HARRY: That sounds wonderful! After all the time I've spent trying to avoid situations that could kill me, I think it's about time I snuffed it. Speaking of which, Malfoy's finished whatever he was doing in the Room of Requirement. I wish I'd figured out what it was! Or what he was trying to repair in there! Or what his interest in that cabinet was! There were just so many completely unrelated mysteries to solve!
DUMBLEDORE: Now remember, you need to follow my orders exactly. I was going to get a House Elf to accompany me, but your friend Hermione threw a fit.
HARRY: So we have to swim to get in? You brought gillyweed, right?
DUMBLEDORE: No, I thought we'd just get wet, then bleed on some rocks, then use an invisible rope to pull up a boat so we can sail to an island surrounded by zombies.
HARRY: What's the point of being wizards if we're going to do everything manually? (looks in the lake) Professor... I SEE DEAD PEOPLE.
DUMBLEDORE: The Horcrux is in a basin full of potion that can't be scooped out. You'll have to scoop it out and make me drink it.
HARRY: What if I scoop it out and just, you know, dump it in the lake or something?
DUMBLEDORE: Shush, Harry. This is a very emotional scene. Don't bring logic into it. I'm busy remembering horrible moments from my past.
HARRY: This stuff is dementor urine!
DUMBLEDORE: I really shouldn't have drunk that. Give me some water from the lake full of zombies.
HARRY: They're inviting me to go for a swim. Shall I?
HARRY: Let's just take this obviously real Horcrux, go tell Madame Rosmerta that we're back since we know she's on our side, then fly to the part of Hogwarts where the Dark Mark is.
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, stay hidden and don't make any noise, and I won't paralyze you with a spell like I did in the book. Fair?
HARRY: Oh, Snape killed Dumbledore. Could have happened to anyone. I'm not going to make any noise or scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BASTAAAAAAARD!" or anything like that.
DIRECTOR: Okay, there's a big fight scene in the book of the type we relished in earlier movies, but people have complained that we overdo those, so let's skip it.
SNAPE: I was the Half-Blood Prince!
HARRY: Oh. I forgot I was supposed to be caring about that. You write like a girl, you know that?
HAGRID: Great corpse, Dumbledore.
R.A.B.: By the way, the locket was fake all along. I hope this doesn't backfire someday against people trying to kill Voldemort or anything, because it would be really ironic if my actions to help defeat him actually ended up killing someone really important. Wouldn't that just be hilarious? In a really sad way, I mean.
HARRY: Ginny, we have to break up. The person who dies at the end of every book is someone closer and closer to me. There aren't many of those left. Also, I can't tell you about the Horcruxes because Dumbledore felt that if too many people knew about them, we might have a chance of finding and destroying them all.
GINNY: But think of all the time we've spent together... the things we did! Fighting Death Eaters, watching my house burn down, hiding Snape's old potion book right next to Malfoy's vanishing cabinet, where you left a completely nondescript tiara...
HARRY: None of those things actually happened. Look, it's a practical matter. I'm not coming back to Hogwarts next year, so this is the last time I'll ever see you. This is our final moment together.
GINNY: But you'll be spending the first part of the summer at my house! We'll be living in the same -
HARRY: Shut up, Ginny. I think I finally understand what Dumbledore was always saying about dramatic tension.
RON: Well, Hermione and I will follow you wherever you go.
READERS: There's no way she's going to finish this whole story in one more book. So who do you think dies in the next one?
Tags: potter potter potter, story reductions

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