Nidoking (nidoking) wrote,
Nidoking
nidoking

The saints who look like they're about to die... no, that can't be right.

Okay, folks... this has been a long time in the making, and I think it's finally time I get it posted! Since the sixth Harry Potter movie won't be getting its next production delay until the summer, and there are two movies scheduled to cover the seventh book in the series, I don't imagine that I'll be doing any movie/book comparisons for quite a while. The sixth movie is, conceivably, sometime in the near future, so I'm willing to wait for that to do the official story reduction, but the seventh book just isn't worth waiting another five years for the inevitable jokes, which probably won't be that good anyway, since they appear to have developed some modicum of wanting to keep the stories pretty close. So I've written the reduction of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, despite not having a reduction for Half-Blood Prince quite yet. Hopefully, it still works, and everyone who's bothered to read the whole series enjoys it. If you haven't, I'd advise not clicking this cut, because it doesn't get much more spoiled than this.

J.K. ROWLING: It's midnight, June 27, 2007! If you don't already have your copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, you're not a real fan!
SNAPE: In case you've forgotten, I'm really evil. I just wanted to make sure you all remember that.
YAXLEY: In case you've forgotten, I'm a completely new main character.
LUCIUS: In case you've forgotten, I'm a total screwup.
BELLATRIX: In case you've forgotten, I'm completely in love with the most evil man in existence.
VOLDEMORT: In case you've forgotten, I'm too evil to care about any of that. I'm evil incarnate, and my motives are unquestionably evil. Evil evil evil. I'm so evil, I'm even dabbling in politics!
CHARITY BURBAGE: I only get to appear once in this entire series, and it's the first death in the book!
HARRY: I felt a disturbance in the Force... as if someone I've never met cried out in terror, and was suddenly silenced.
DAILY PROPHET: That's been happening a lot lately. Also, Dumbledore was messed up. You'll be learning a lot more about that over the course of this book, a little at a time, the same way you learned about Voldemort in book 6. Try to ignore the obvious parallel.
HARRY: (cries over Dumbledore)
DUDLEY: I'll miss you, Harry.
HARRY: And once again, I find myself in Bizarro World. Let me guess, Voldemort's going to come along and give me flowers or just off himself or something like that.
MOODY: We've brought lots of people to make sure SOMEONE dies while you escape, and keep it a mystery who.
HARRY: Hedwig! Well, at least it wasn't anyone important.
HAGRID: *sigh* Fine, I'll leap to me death too.
VOLDEMORT: (smacks face first into an invisible wall)
HARRY: My wand is the coolest! And Hagrid even survived, but I lost the owl I pretty much never spent any time with on the page. Still, if that's the worst that happened....
BILL: We also lost Moody, and George's right ear.
HARRY: Oh no! This is awful! I bought the twins joke earrings for presents!
MOLLY: Now, we can't have the plot move too quickly, can we? I'll just singlehandedly make it stand still for a few chapters.
SCRIMGEOUR: Now that we're all familiar with ordinary objects becoming important to the plot later, have some perfectly ordinary objects Dumbledore willed to you.
RON: The thing that's had three different names throughout the series that turns off lights. Okay, I get it. I'm dim.
HERMIONE: "The Tales of Beedle the Bard?" Who would buy a book with a title like that?
MURIEL: Racism! Horrible things about Dumbledore!
HARRY: God, we should replace her with a picture of Sirius' Mum. (cries over Sirius)
WIZARD PRIEST: Okay, Bill and Fleur are finally married.
KINGSLEY: The Prime Minister is dead, and the Death Eaters have taken control of the Ministry of Magic.
ARTHUR: I KNEW we should have had Bush impeached!
HERMIONE: The Death Eaters will never find us in the Muggle world! Most wizards don't even know the Muggle world exists!
RON: Okay, nobody say "Voldemort".
DEATH EATERS: NOBODY expects the Evil Inquisition!
HERMIONE: Okay, new plan. Let's go somewhere with actual magical protection.
HARRY: (disarms traps at Number 12, Grimmauld Place) I was rather hoping they'd be protections FOR us, not FROM us.
HERMIONE: I know a spell that will detect nearby people. Good thing none of the Hogwarts teachers know this one, isn't it?
RON: You know, I pictured a little more... ADVENTURE in our greatest adventure ever. This is starting to feel like our fifth year.
HARRY: My mother's letter! (cries over his mother) It's another mysterious half-clue that Dumbledore wasn't as great as I thought. (cries over Dumbledore) I'm glad I decided to search Sirius' room. (cries over Sirius) But hey, at least I figured out that R.A.B. is Regulus A. Black.
FANS: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!
HERMIONE: Then the locket we saw in fifth year is the locket you were looking for in sixth year!
FANS: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!
RON: Then Mundungus Fletcher stole it with the rest of Sirius's stuff!
FANS: DUUUUUUUU*cough cough*
KREACHER: Master Regulus rebelled against the Dark Lord and was really a kind wizard at the end. Having said that, I'll suddenly be a perfectly polite and lovingly subservient House Elf.
FANS: *blink blink*
MUNDUNGUS: Stop hitting me! Umbridge has your locket!
KREACHER: Perhaps just one more, Master Potter, for luck?
HERMIONE: So we have to break into the Ministry of Magic. Can't be that hard... we got to the most secure part of it without trying last time.
RON: We can take advantage of adults' tendency to eat any candy they're offered without looking at the "Weasley's Wizard Wheezes" wrappers.
HARRY: Okay, so we're a top Death Eater, a third technician, and the woman who keeps telling me I'm expelled from Hogwarts. The perfect group for sticking together.
HERMIONE: I have to go take notes, although this is the first time you two won't be copying them.
RON: And I'm supposed to go do some actual magic. Funny how all that Hogwarts education never seems to have taught us much of that.
HARRY: Well, I found Mad-Eye's mad eye. I suppose I've got time to read a bit more about Dumbledore's life while I'm here.
HERMIONE: I don't imagine we'll have any trouble freeing all the Muggles. What could possibly go wrong? I even feel bold enough to give the Death Eaters a tour of our headquarters.
HARRY: Well, it's not like we were going to find any more Horcruxes sitting around at home. If we keep moving, we're bound to run right into the rest before too long.
(months later)
HARRY: Okay... well, there's always Hogwarts. Or Godric's Hollow. You know... the places we've heard of, meaning that they're important.
RON: Actually, I think you're both poopy-faces, so I'm running away forever.
HARRY: That was just the locket talking.
HERMIONE: I'm not crying... I'm making fun of Moaning Myrtle. Okay, I'm crying. So let's just stop beating about the bush and -
HARRY: Take the One Locket to Mordor before its awesome power corrupts us all?
HERMIONE: ... I was going to say let's go to Godric's Hollow, since that's where you've wanted to go all along.
HARRY: Now that You-Know-Who's had time to prepare for our arrival there, that's probably a good idea.
HERMIONE: Ooh, this grave looks important! It's got the same symbol as a page in my fairy tale book, "The Tales of Beedle the Bard"!
HARRY: Of course, fairy tales are exactly where we should be looking for information. If you don't mind, I'm going to talk to the world-famous historian who also happens to live just down the street from my old house. She writes REAL books.
BERTHA: Hissy hissy!
HARRY: Of COURSE it's Nagini. Why should I ever meet someone who's not trying to kill me?
HERMIONE: Don't worry, Harry! I'll just destroy your wand. That way, nobody will have any reason to attack you.
HARRY: ... I think I'll just follow the deer Patronus into the middle of nowhere. Which happens to be where the Sword of Gryffindor is hidden, at the bottom of a frozen lake. I have a feeling it's a good idea to take off all my clothes, except the evil locket, and dive in after it. I can't imagine anything going wrong with this plan.
RON: Okay, so I'm jumping into danger to save Harry, while Hermione's the one screwing everything up. This book just reverses all the traditional roles, doesn't it?
HARRY: Well, as long as we have the sword and the Horcrux, let's destroy the thing! You do it... I'm tired of being heroic.
RON: It's showing me things I don't want to see. I can't destroy it!
HARRY: Well, *I* can't do it... because... um...
RON: Oh, wait... if I destroy it, the horrible visons go away! Why didn't I think of that before? Besides, contrary to what the evil lying locket says, I'm sure Hermione loves me more than anyone.
HERMIONE: (smacks Ron) I hate you more than anyone!
RON: I can explain!
HERMIONE: Oh. Fair enough. So what do we do now?
HARRY: Hogwarts is still an option.
RON: Now that we have a way to destroy Horcruxes, let's look into that symbol that doesn't seem to have anything to do with them.
XENO: Perhaps it's time you learn about the Deathly Hallows. After all, it's the title of the book.
HERMIONE: Why don't we read from this completely inconsequential and certainly non-marketable book of fairy tales?
HARRY: You mean the cloak I had all along could protect me from death? And was impervious to all magic? Where was that clause when Malfoy stunned me through it last year?
XENO: Have I stalled you long enough for the Death Eaters to arrive?
HARRY: Really... can we PLEASE meet someone who's not trying to kill me? Even Voldemort was never this bad!
FENRIR: Nobody expects the - hang on, I'll come in again.
BELLATRIX: It's Potter! Time for infighting over which one of us summons the Dark Lord, giving them a chance to - wait, is that the Sword of Gryffindor? YOU were the ones who outbid me on eBay! (summons Voldemort)
OLLIVANDER: When I said I'd handled the wand of every child at Hogwarts, I didn't think they'd put me in prison!
HARRY: (cries over Dumbledore) Hey... was that his eye in the magic mirror shard? I'm pretty sure there's only one blue-eyed wizard in the entire world. They're like blue-eyed white dragons... incredibly rare.
GRIPHOOK: I wouldn't tell you that's the real Sword of Gryffindor if it were! But it's not. (It is.)
BELLATRIX: We've certainly given you no reason to lie to us, like torturing you and locking you in the dungeon.
LUCIUS: And speaking of misplaced trust, let's send Wormtail down alone to get the prisoners.
HARRY: I saved your life. You owe me one!
WORMTAIL: Give me an instant to think about that. (strangles himself)
RON: Stop strangling yourself! Stop strangling yourself!
HARRY: He really doesn't believe in employee retention, does he? I mean, the guy's loyal enough to risk his own life AND cut off his hand to bring his master back, and at the first slight hesitation, he kills him. But on the plus side... free wand!
RON: Battle royale time!
DOBBY: Dobby, the most important character in the series, creates a distraction with his elvish magic! And a screwdriver.
HARRY: I'll just take all these wands from Malfoy's hand while his back is turned. I hope that action turns out to be heroic in retrospect and not a total backstab.
DOBBY: Speaking of backstabbing... Dobby brings a knife for Harry Potter. Dobby apologizes for the bloodstains on the blade. Dobby would clean them for Harry Potter, but... (dies)
HARRY: (cries over Dobby)
READERS: (cry over Dobby)
EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE SERIES: When's dinner?
HERMIONE: It's decision time... Hallows or Horcruxes?
HARRY: I'll choose the one Voldemort isn't imminently about to collect unless I get there first.
GRIPHOOK: I already lied for you... sure, I'll risk my life to violate the last morals I have remaining, if you give me the thing that makes your entire quest worthwhile.
HARRY: Nothing doing, but I can just dupe you later. It can't be that hard.
BILL: Oh, Harry, there's only one useful thing I can do in this entire book, and that is to warn you that you can't dupe a goblin.
HARRY: Oh, crap.
OLLIVANDER: The Elder Wand makes you unbeatable in a duel, but for some reason, its owners have a high mortality rate. I think it's diseased.
HARRY: Then maybe it's a good thing You-Know-Who just stole it. So what's the story with MY wand? Is it just a deus ex machina or something?
OLLIVANDER: I have no idea.
HARRY: That's fair enough. It doesn't matter anyway now that it's broken. Unless...
OLLIVANDER: No, I can't fix your wand. They said I'm never allowed to touch a young boy's wand again.
HARRY: Fair enough... to Gringott's! Unless you guys would rather check Hogwarts, just in case. I mean, You-Know-Who just left there, so I think it's probably a good time to sneak in.
GRIPHOOK: If we're going to break into Gringott's, which, by the way, is impossible, we'll need to spend some time planning.
RON: This book just keeps getting more and more exciting by the page, doesn't it?
HARRY: Well, how did Quirrel break in six years ago?
GRIPHOOK: ... let's just say there's a reason I got sacked. And that certain bribes are very, VERY difficult to turn down.
HERMIONE: I'll just pretend to be Bellatrix, walk right into the bank, and take the cup. After all, what measures could they possibly take against identity theft? Even Muggles can't guard against that!
HARRY: Confundo! That's what Gringott's gets for using rent-a-wizard security.
BOGROD: Surprise, we're not stupid!
GRIPHOOK: Quick, boy, use the Imperius Curse!
HARRY: Despite the fact that my last attempts at using an Unforgivable Curse failed because I wasn't capable of hating Bellatrix Lestrange or Snape, I believe I'm now perfectly capable of hating an innocent goblin enough to make the most complicated one work perfectly on my first try.
TRAVERS: I get a line at some point, right?
HARRY: Okay, now to see if I'm able to sustain two Imperius Curses simultaneously, despite never actually having used a single one before this.
GRIPHOOK: Now we just need to make them move normally, without appearing at all suspicious or breaking the effect, or any of the other number of ways this spell can go wrong.
HARRY: Don't worry. I'm an Imperius expert by now. No wonder this is illegal. It's a cinch to pull off and solves every problem. Bet I could Imperius You-Know-Who and make him tell me where all the Horcruxes are, or something like that.
GRIPHOOK: That waterfall cancels all enchantments. Remember that from the first book, when we went down the same way? Or did we not have it installed then?
HARRY: Good thing we can just recast all the enchantments that matter. Next time, try a magic-canceling field that actually covers the entire vault area or something. IMPERIO!
(HARRY's IMPERIUS skill increases by 1! HARRY learns IMPERIAGA!)
HARRY: Okay, be on the lookout for the cup, or the other thing that's a Horcrux but I don't know what it is.
HERMIONE: Everything we touch in here multiplies into dozens of really hot copies.
RON: (touches Hermione) Rats. Hey... the fake Gryffindor sword is in here. If we touch that, won't it turn into a bunch of copies that aren't fake Gryffindor swords?
HARRY: There's the cup, on a high shelf. Accio cup! Oh, right... that never works in the entirety of this book, but I keep trying anyway.
HERMIONE: Oh, I've seen this one before. What we have to do is touch the treasure until it fills the room and float to the top so we can grab the cup.
GRIPHOOK: This is how Scrooge McDuck went! (drowns in gold)
HARRY: Okay, we're caught between about a billion goblins and a dragon. Good thing I remember how to deal with dragons. Accio Firebolt!
HERMIONE: I'm pretty sure dragons have instincts that will lead them out of caves without harming anyone desperately clinging to their backs.
RON: And so once again, we have a Horcrux and no way to destroy it. We're really making progress here. Also, I'm not carrying it.
HARRY: Let me just use my inadvertent Legilimency once again to read You-Know-Whose mind and figure out where the remaining Horcruxes are.
VOLDEMORT: Hmmm... good thing the boy who reads my mind doesn't know I've hidden the last Horcrux at Hogwarts.
HARRY: Damn him for not thinking about what the Horcrux IS! But I totally called Hogwarts, you guys.
HERMIONE: Fine. I can't possibly imagine why THIS would be a bad idea, other than absolutely EVERY reason!
HARRY: Hey... that's my line.
DEATH EATERS: Everyone expects us by now!
ABERFORTH: I have sex with goats! There! It's been made explicit! Now can we PLEASE focus on some other aspect of my personality?
HARRY: So do YOU finally know the real, entire truth behind what happened to your sister and who Albus Dumbledore really was?
ABERFORTH: Kid, your life has really sucked lately. You deserve a straight answer, as well as a shortcut into the castle. And unlike most people who have things you deserve, I'm going to give them to you.
HARRY: Mr. Dumbledore... you are the most awesome person ever. Except for the goat thing.
NEVILLE: Harry! You came back to lead the rebellion! And Ron and Hermione came too! ... for some reason...
HARRY: We have to find something, but we can't tell you what it is or why we need it... although nobody's ever made it clear why. I mean, wouldn't it increase the chances that someone would find one or two of them and figure out ways to destroy them?
LUNA: I'm afraid we haven't seen the thing you didn't describe. But I'll show you the Ravenclaw common room. We have an ingenious password system... absolutely anyone can get in if they're clever enough. We were waiting for the Weasley twins to come on a panty raid.
HARRY: The Lost Diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw...
LUNA: Yes, but the artist clearly didn't know what he was looking at. He left out the dirigible plums.
ALECTO: Nobody expects... well, actually, my appearance probably was rather unexpected. Why the Dark Lord thought you'd come here just because he knew you'd be looking for Horcruxes, I'll never know, but he was right!
VOLDEMORT: Drat! Potter's going after the diadem! But I'm too busy to stop him from ruining everything right now. After all, the Horcrux that wasn't protected by any traps, in a room full of generations of hidden stuff which clearly indicates that it's a popular hangout for students, is probably safer than the one in the cave of certain death with the zombie lake and the poison potion and all guarding it.
AMYCUS: I spit on your face, Minerva!
HARRY: Apparently, I could forgive killing Sirius and Dumbledore, but spitting in Professor McGonagall's face is way over the line! CRUCIO!
MCGONAGALL: Thank you, Harry. Being able to cast two of the three most evil spells in the world shows how truly noble and pure of heart you are. I'm glad we've entrusted the future of wizardkind to you.
SNAPE: Let's not let a little thing like me being evil get in the way of my continued existence, shall we? (turns into a bat and escapes)
HARRY: He was a vampire all along! You know, that explains so much...
VOLDEMORT: Okay, we want a nice, clean epic final battle. Lots of main character deaths, destruction of the castle, and so on, but leave the structural integrity intact! I want to use this place as my base of operations when this is all over!
HARRY: I need more time! I need to find something that will lead to Voldemort's downfall.
MCGONAGALL: You mean, if you find this thing, he'll be defeated?
HARRY: Oh, yeah, sure. Just as soon as I find a way to destroy it, along with the other thing we've already found, and I kill that snake, as well as Voldemort himself... but if I told you that, it would just depress you.
GREY LADY: The origin of me and the Bloody Baron is important to the defeat of Voldemort? Well, I'm sure I can delay you for quite a while telling you the whole thing.
HARRY: I'm glad I heard that story, because I remember that tiara I saw from my sixth year, just like I remembered tiny, unimportant details like who made Krum's wand and what Dumbledore said he saw in the Mirror of Erised my first year, so it was all a big waste of time. I'm off to the Room of Requirement.
RON: Hermione and I destroyed the chalice already... I learned how to say "open" in Parseltongue. I also know a few choice expressions I'm saving for when Hermione and I are alone.
HERMIONE: You pervert! What do I pretend to see in you, anyway?
RON: Um... free the House Elves?
HERMIONE: I love you so much! Kissyface!
HARRY: Maybe you guys should put down all those basilisk fangs before you start hugging and kissing... since we don't have a phoenix handy to heal the deadly wounds or anything. Why do you need so many anyway? It's not like anyone but the three of us will be stabbing any Horcruxes.
MALFOY: You'll stab nothing!
CRABBE: Hey, check out this ultimate black magic spell I learnt somehow. And they said I could never learn any magic even if it killed me. (It kills him.)
HARRY: Okay, so I saved Malfoy AND the diadem, even though leaving the diadem there would have worked just as well. Hermione, why do you always mention these things after it's too late?
PERCY: On the plus side, I'm back on the plus side. Er, the good side. And the twins are here. They're always good for a laugh.
FRED: Did you hear the one about the wizard who was killed in an explosion? Wait, I can't remember the punchline to that one. (dies)
MOLLY: Noooooooooo! Why couldn't they at least have killed the one who'd already lost an ear? Or the werewolf?
GINNY: Well, they DID kill Lupin. And Tonks, although I expect she probably did herself in with a combination of grief and clumsiness. And a lot of other people we won't bother to name.
HARRY: Okay, the snake's in the Shrieking Shack with Voldemort... let's go get killed trying to kill them without any sort of weapon!
VOLDEMORT: Okay... all of my Horcruxes are probably gone by now, but at least I have the wand that makes its master invincible... or at least, I will once I kill its master. I'd better not use my trademark spell, or you won't be able to deliver any heroic last words. Nagini, sic 'em! But just bite him and let's go... I don't want you eating anyone who knows how to make magical poisons.
SNAPE: This would never have happened if they'd cast me as Samuel L. Jackson...
HARRY: No, don't die! I still have to use Avada Kedavra on someone!
SNAPE: Watch my final memory... show the readers once and for all whether I was good or evil this whole time.
VOLDEMORT: Okay, we've killed enough main characters for now. Time out for an hour, and then back to it.
HARRY: An hour? Sounds like plenty of time for home movies. Or memories, as the case may be.
SNAPE: I loved your mother, Harry. I loved her very much.
HARRY: Wait, no...
SNAPE: Yes, Harry... I am your father!
HARRY: DO NOT WANT!
SNAPE: Just kidding. But seriously, Dumbledore wanted me to kill him, and I've been a good guy all along.
HARRY: I'm glad I set the record straight on that, even though this is yet another diversion that has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm supposed to be doing right now.
SNAPE: Also, you're a Horcrux.
HARRY: Figures. Now even I'M trying to kill me. Well, better tell Neville to kill the snake when I'm dead... he was the alternate choice for the hero, after all.
NEVILLE: Don't worry, Harry. I carefully waited for the right mission not to screw up, and I think this is going to be it.
COLIN: Don't mind me... she just had to have me killed to make quota.
HARRY: Okay, now that I'm going to die, let's have that third Deathly Hallow. I TOLD Hermione the ring was inside the Snitch. Boy, has she spent a lot of time being wrong in this story. Has she done anything useful at all? Anyway, since everyone knows using the ring is very, very bad, I think I'll use it.
LILY: I'm glad I get to show up whenever my son is about to die.
JAMES: That's it, son. Show them all how a Potter dies!
SIRIUS: You don't still cry over my death, do you?
LUPIN: I'm dead? Pardon me, but it only happened a few minutes ago. I'm still trying to get used to the idea.
HARRY: Thanks for standing by me while I sacrifice myself, everyone.
JAMES: Oh, no, we're leaving before then. We just couldn't really let the story end without explaining what happened to the ring.
HARRY: Right you are then. Voldemort! We who are about to die...
VOLDEMORT: (yawns) Avada Kedavra.
HARRY: So this is what it's like to be dead. It's remarkably like being alive, only much whiter.
DUMBLEDORE: I'm probably not telling you anything you didn't already know, since we want to leave it in question whether this is the real me or just your own consciousness forming an image of me, but you're descended from Ignotus Peverell, and some of Voldemort's power went into you and your wand, and some of your power is in him, etc. etc.
HARRY: In other words, I survived one Avada Kedavra because my mother sacrificed herself for me, a second one because of twin wand cores, and the third because Voldemort's soul acted as a shield to protect mine, none of which will ever work for me again. Well, that's satisfying to know. Next time, it'll just be me versus Voldemort, a true test of magical skill, with no convenient gimmicks to save me. Back to life!
VOLDEMORT: Well, now that Potter's dead, I guess I don't need to protect the only Horcrux I have left.
NARCISSA: Maybe if you ever treated my family with decency, I'd consider my loyalty to you more important than my son's life.
HAGRID: 'E's not 'eavy! 'E's 'Arry Potter!
VOLDEMORT: See, I'm not really such a bad guy! I like wizards! I'm declaring an end to wizard-on-wizard violence right now! Longbottom, put on that fiery Sorting Hat.
NEVILLE: Ooh, the Sword of Gryffindor! (kills Nagini) I AM a hero!
VOLDEMORT: If only some incarnation of me had ever known what was inside that hat...
HAGRID: And Harry's alive! Things might end up working out after all!
VOLDEMORT: Okay, change of plans. We'll retreat into the castle where all the fighters are.
HARRY: I can't help but not notice that everyone's dueling multiple opponents, and yet there are still no Killing Curses flying around. Why isn't anyone using the unblockable, unstoppable, infallible spell on anyone but me?
BELLATRIX: We can use Avada Kedavra? Why didn't I think of that before?
MOLLY: Not my daughter, you BITCH! (kills Bellatrix)
CHILD READERS: Mommy, what does "bitch" mean?
VOLDEMORT: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You killed some woman who would actually have mattered to me if I believed in love! And I think she was also the last of the Gauls.
HARRY: And now it's just you and me. And about twenty other Death Eaters who suddenly aren't doing anything.
VOLDEMORT: Then let's have our final showdown, without delay!
HARRY: But I need to tell you that having remorse would put your soul back together! Well... except for the parts that got destroyed, which is all of them.
VOLDEMORT: Do you honestly think anyone would ever forgive me, just because I said I was sorry?
HARRY: Good point. Then it's time for the ultimate question that will decide both our fates: Will the greatest wand in the world respect a wizard who steals his opponent's wand without the use of any magic while he's not paying attention?
VOLDEMORT: Come on! It's only a bit of wood!
HARRY: Hey, if YOU know a man who can't be bested at the most inconvenient times by a rigid bit of wood, I'd like to meet him!
VOLDEMORT: Killed by Expelliarmus... I'm glad I don't have to survive to live this one down.
HARRY: Yes, folks... the greatest dark wizard ever, killed by an event he didn't even witness. That's how amazingly epic this finale was.
HERMIONE: But haven't lots of people stolen your wand... by actual magic, rather than just snatching it?
HARRY: Shhhh! I don't want the Elder Wand to know that! I need it to repair my old wand, in a final act that proves... something.
RON: You realize that this means the Elder Wand really is just naturally more powerful than any other wand? Not that I'm characteristically jealous or anything... Hey, look, someone tore Ginny's robes wide open!
HARRY: No, I'll never let the Elder Wand change hands again. I'll die a natural death so its ownership will end, and I'm quite sure it won't just let the next person who picks it up be its new master because that would be really inconvenient.
HERMIONE: But how will you make sure nobody kills you or steals the wand?
HARRY: I'll take a job where nobody would ever dare try something like that... I'll be an Auror!
GINNY: And I'll happily let you name our children after your dead relatives.
RON: Hermione made me choose sensible names like "Rose" and "Hugo". I expect there'll be a series of haunted house adventures in that one's future.
MALFOY: Even I got married, and my wife let me name the kid Scorpius.
MALFOY'S WIFE: Now, mind you don't fall prey to nargles while you're away at school, Scorpy.
J.K. ROWLING: And I and my piles of money lived happily ever after. Stay tuned for further movies and "The Tales of Beedle the Bard", based on the Harry Potter series, as well as my new mystery novel coming out any decade now, and remember - if anyone but me ever makes money off Harry Potter, I'll sue you.

What do you think, sirs?
Tags: potter potter potter, story reductions
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