Nidoking (nidoking) wrote,

It just doesn't feel like a news day without a new Britney Spears story

Berkeley, California resolves to rid itself of Marine Corps recruiters. Pro-war legislators decide to punish the town council of Berkeley by cutting off funding to the schools and disability funds. What an ingenious way to make sure the right people suffer.

Man convinces teenager that he's part werewolf and part vampire so she'll have sex with him. Chainsaw of natural selection ho! Seriously, why are THESE the people who are breeding? And why aren't they doing it on an air conditioner in public, with a helpful map in the article so everyone can go see the house in question and maybe catch a rerun?

The Weinermobile spins out. WARNING: Graphic hot dog related puns contained in the article. Guaranteed the wurst you'll ever read, at least until you ketchup with the Xanth series. I don't relish that possibility. Mayonnaise.

German bodybuilders rescue a car from a ditch. Saves having to call a tow truck, I suppose. Good thing it wasn't the Weinermobile... they might have considered it too much of a threat to their manhood.

An Indonesian train line will spray its rooftop riders with paint so they can be identified and arrested. Smart commuters will be wearing animal pelts, so officers won't know whether they were rooftop riders or merely victims of animal rights protesters.

A London couple gets the town council to pay for their exorcism. Otherwise, they'd leave home and go on English welfare, which is apparently a pretty good deal, because the government paid for the psychoic. They expect to recover the funds by supporting the Marine Corps recruiters from Berkeley.

Dolly Parton postpones a tour because her breasts are too big. At least it's still not Britney news, right?

"Lookin' Good For Jesus" cosmetics pulled from store shelves in Singapore. And Jesus did go unto the party in Galilee, and there he did meet many people, and the scribes and the Pharisees were among them. The Pharisees said unto him, "Why dost the Law state that the grasshopper has four legs, while the grasshopper clearly has six legs, being an insect?" But the Christ did not hear them, for he had noticed a woman of Caanan, and lo, she had applied upon herself the "Get His Attention" hand balm. And the power of the balm was like nectar unto a bird, and Christ did approach the woman and turn her glass of water into wine. And he said unto her, "Wouldst thou accompany me to my room at the inn, where I might enact upon you the whole of the Song of Solomon?" And she did lay with him that night, and the director yelled unto them, "CUT!" And the Lord watched the commercial and saw that it was good.

The Israeli government wants to ban Asian workers from Asian restaurants and replace them with Israelis. The Asian community says "No spring rolls for you! Come back two weeks! Then, no sushi or noodles for you!" And everyone wishes the American government would take that hard a stance against outsourcing... or any sort of anti-outsourcing stance at all, really. But the Israelis think they can cook Chinese food as well as the Chinese. I think the only advantage they've got is that they can make their cooking oil burn for eight days.

Grandmother fights off intruder with telephone. It's a good thing phones are nice and big, so they can be used as weapons. Imagine what would happen to women like her if we moved toward tinier and tinier phones.

Speeding to get to court on time. Smart.

Class 3 sex offender wins lottery, attracting officials who hadn't been notified that he'd left the state. I don't imagine there are many people out there who believe he should keep the money, but what real grounds are there for taking it away? Sure, he's the scum of the Earth and should never be allowed into society again, but he's got 10 million dollars. He can hire the best lawyers to defend it.

"Till death do you part" turns out to be only a few hours. That insidious heart disease, always waiting until the most ironic time to strike. Yet another peril of the carefully-planned marriage.
Tags: possible blasphemy

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