Nidoking (nidoking) wrote,

The news gets out

A motion to depose the Church of England is numbered 666. Obviously, Satan is not only trying to stamp out the influence of God, but he's leaving his mark all over it so that people will recognize it and put a stop to it instead of, say, doing something subtle that nobody will ever notice. Oh, wait... that's in England, not in the United States of CHRIST GOES WHERE? Yes, I said it.

Thieves break into a police car to steal the traffic dummy within. I believe it to be an attempt to violate carpool lanes, as nobody would question a uniformed officer in the passenger seat.

A teacher sleeps in her classroom rather than brave the snow. I'll grant that it's Utah, and I hear they're having a pretty bad time there, but is it really something the principal should be impressed with? Sure, it "shows the quality of educators" at the school... people who let crystals of water scare them into staying indoors. (Sure, I've taken "snow days" off work, but I have to drive half an hour along IN-45. That road's dangerous enough when dry.)

A couple who move into a former drug trafficking apartment find moldy money in the fridge. The state may give them the money if it turns out not to be drug money. Fat chance. Back to poverty, honest peoples!

A Utah man finds a bankbook made out in his name, but the bank says the account's probably closed. Even he admits that it's not his money, but he wants it anyway. Who knows? Maybe it's drug money. Whatever the case, Utah is rapidly becoming the new Michigan.

Man burns $20 to show his dad how little he cares about money. His dad surreptitiously decides to will all his savings to George B. Hardy of Salt Lake City instead.

Deputies pull jurors from the street. Just a quick checkpoint on the street with summons for all eligible jurors who happen to walk by. Some random selection. They're targeting the "on foot and not working today" demographic.

If you must grow marijuana, make sure your irrigation system doesn't leak, or the neighbors will complain.

An FBI wiretap is cut off for nonpayment of phone bills. I imagine they'll start claiming that that one wiretap was the ONLY wiretap they ever had, and they certainly never had any others.

Man hangs himself in stunt gone wrong. Ugh... the number of times THAT headline's come up. Let's move on.

Macaw shouts and scares off pet store burglar. The bird's shouting was something like "Help me, Rhonda! Help! Help me, Rhonda!"

The chairman of Barclays bank has his identity stolen through his own bank. Well, it could have been worse. He could have been an identity theft skeptic, or the CEO of an identity theft protection company.

A high school offers a $30 cash reward for information leading to whoever started the food fight. They gave up after students burned the money in front of them to show how little they cared about money.

Become a porn star for free - brothel sex at no cost as long as you sign a release for your video to be distributed on the Internet. Sounds like a pretty good deal. Plus, they get a free copy of their own video... which sounds sick to me, but so do most sex-related things.

Underaged drunk driver leaves trail of dog poop for police. And plenty of shoeborne evidence.

Free shopping bags outlawed in China. Sounds good... I wouldn't really mind that at Wall Market. I bring my own (paper) bags when I go to Kroger anyway. They're starting to go, but they lasted for years.

German couple takes an S&M vacation on the company's training travel fund. Silly people... they can have sex free on the Internet now!

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