Nidoking (nidoking) wrote,

I can hardly breathe, but I can still post news

Michigan woman's truck catches fire, but she keeps driving. It's even funnier because the fire started when she hit a utility pole. Of course, she was fortunate. This guy's stolen car blew a tire, then he stole another that overheated and caught fire. It wasn't until the third car that the cops finally caught him.

Man tries to rob bank while uniformed officer stands behind him. At least he didn't try to pretend the marker in his pocket was a gun.

Criminal and girlfriend create ingenious plot to have her pass him a handcuff key during a kiss - then discuss it during monitored calls from the jail. Always remember that it's courteous to inform the guards when and how you plan to make your escape attempt.

Words and phrases to avoid. I'd like to add most of the contents of lj_biz over the past year, if I may.

Miss France is still Miss France, but her days of competing for new titles are over. Shame... the message is never, ever, EVER, EVER do anything remotely sexual while there are cameras anywhere around, or the world hates you and you're an evil person for life, utterly beyond redemption. Sucks to have been younger in the past.

Chinese college student wins lottery and leaves school. Yep... definitely un[der]educated.

Japanese prisoners whine and complain because their pajamas are ugly. Waah... think about that BEFORE committing a crime next time, morons. They'll paint your walls pink if you don't shut up.

Portuguese government official makes the first arrest under the new smoking ban - himself. "Ah, fresh new year and a new smoking ban. Time to celebrate with a nice cigar. *puff puff* Oh, right... ban. Damn."

Snake mistakes golf balls for chicken eggs. They were, naturally, placed in a hen's nest by owners who couldn't understand why she didn't want to lay her own eggs there. I think they get the picture now.

Liberia distributes cell phones to citizens so they can call for help in the event of a crime. The citizenry sees two problems with this: First, the cell phones are always the first things stolen, and second, it does nothing about the police shortage in the country. "Thank you for calling the emergency hotline. Unfortunately, all of our officers are assisting another caller. We'll give him the message when he returns. We hope your day improves, assuming you're still alive."

6-year-old girl writes fake essay about her dad dying in Iraq to win Hannah Montana tickets, which are then awarded to someone else when the lie is discovered. What does her mother have to say about all this? That she HELPED write the essay, and she "did whatever we could do to win." Well, if you won, where are the tickets? Huh? Who's got the tickets now, "winner"? But maybe we can still give them Zoey 101 tickets as a booby prize.

Stolen GPS unit tells police where to find its owner. Stealing things with identifying information about the real owner is dumb. Don't do it. Further, don't steal things period. That's REALLY dumb.

Cranky customer wills his favorite waitress $50,000 and a Buick. He must have liked her, or why would he keep going back?

MP3 player purchased from Wall Market came preloaded with porn. I'm sure the 10-year-old girl who received it was ready to learn about that kind of stuff. Yes, I know I usually come down hard on parents for not paying more attention to what their kids are doing online, but I don't think that should have to extend to devices fresh out of the box! What do you do when you can't keep the smut out of the box because it's already there when you buy it? At least that girl has enough trauma that she won't need to fake her Hannah Montana essay. "One time, I got an MP3 player for Christmas, but when I turned it on, there were people having sex and singing about drugs." It's sad. I need a tissue, but they're in short supply lately.

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