Nidoking (nidoking) wrote,

This news doesn't have a narrow waist.

Dry cleaner loses man's Santa suit. His administrative judge advises him to sue for "eleventy billion dollars" or settle for $54 million, but he decides to accept the cost of the suit (Santa) plus the cost of the suit (court). He sure took that cleaner to the cleaners.

Rancho Cordova police start pulling good drivers over to give them Starbucks gift cards. Great, officer. Now I'm late for work, so I have to speed to get there in time, and for what? I've been embarrassed by all my workmates driving by and seeing me pulled over, my background's been checked, and I don't even buy stuff at Starfucks! It's entrapment, that's what it is.

Canadian teen faces $104K insurance premium. That would have been bad BEFORE the Canadian dollar became worth something! For that price, he might as well rent a taxi COMPANY to drive him around all year. He'll need a 401K to save up the $104K.

New Zealand family's stolen goods are returned, but in unusable condition. The teenager who left the door unlocked will face a sudden hike in his homeowner's insurance premiums, something like $104K.

Pedestrian in athens gets ticket for walking over illegally parked car. He notes that the car wasn't ticketed. But the joke's on the driver... he's no longer on the list to get pulled over for a Starbucks gift card.

Italian court renames a boy named "Friday" to "Gregory". "Kids will make fun of him, and I will not allow anyone else to suffer that indignity!" remarked Justice Buttface Stinkypants. In another session later that day, the tribunal renamed "Naples" and "Venice", as the existing names of the cities sounded too much like "Nipples" and "Penis". They're now called "Cronhol" and "Bungpulg", names formerly belonging to the Ukranian cities now known as "Fuckyou" and "Uptheass". Those names, previously belonging to cities in Zimbabwe...

National serviceman in Singapore busted for wearing a pink bikini. To be fair, his national service was mandatory, and he had priors: He once grabbed a woman's butt, and worse, he stole a pair of sunglasses. (So, since when is "fraudulent possession of women's underwear" a crime? Oh, right... Singapore, the number four contender for least personal freedoms, after Russia, the entire Middle East, and the liberal portions of the U.S.)

"Headlines are designed to mislead unless you read the article and realize that the headline and the actual story say two completely different things," says Reuters. Naturally, Reuters won't admit that, but they make a darn good show of it, making it look like the Japanese government is claiming that UFOs exist, when really, they've just got one gullible spokesman who probably won't be making any more speeches for a while.

Chinese man gets life in prison for exploiting a broken ATM. He discovered that the machine only took 1 yuan (.0000000000001 cent) from his account for every 1000 yuan he got and made the mistake of telling a friend about it. The friend profited for a while, then turned himself in and got a year for it. Meanwhile, one wonders why the bank never noticed this problem and took the initiative to fix it... or why more people didn't take advantage of the bug.

Teenager gets 30 years for killing his grandparents when he was 12, possibly under the influence of Zoloft. Wouldn't surprise me. Those drugs really mess with the system. Meanwhile, his lawyers are appealing a sentence of more than twice the age of the kid who committed the crime. It does seem a bit more than is necessary, and this is from someone who thinks the life sentence for stealing from the ATM makes sense. Maybe put the kid on probation for a few decades and see how he turns out? Teach him what it really means for a sentence to be suspended, always hanging over his head like the Sword of Damocles. "If you so much as fart too close to a public building, you get 30 years in prison for murder. How do you like THEM apples!" Could make an interesting TV series... oh, yeah. No writers for the pilot. Rats. Make a reality show of it?
Tags: pants

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