Nidoking (nidoking) wrote,

News that could get you expelled

The Hogwarts Express has been vandalized again! This time, the damage will be much more expensive to repair because windows were broken. This could be a stroke of luck for the director, who can now use special cameras to film the repairs and use them as a special effect in the upcoming movie, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. "We've been looking for something to pad the film with," said the director, who didn't wish to be named until after seeing how successful the upcoming movie will be. "There wasn't much in the book that was film-worthy, and we could only do so much with that gigantic fight scene at the end. Half an hour of kids fighting adults is about all most people can take."

A woman has become sick from eating her dog's tainted food. Finally, it all becomes clear - someone put rat poison in the food to discourage people from eating it. As if they needed any motivation.

A woman is caught trying to smuggle crocodiles into Giza under her clothes. The story makes even more sense if the woman is Aki Hinata.

New Jersey lawmakers want to ban text messaging while driving. Lawmakers in other states imagine that people already know how completely stupid it is. Next thing you know, they'll be passing a law that says you need at least one hand on the wheel at all times while driving, and that you're not allowed to use a cell phone while driving unless you use a hands-free device. Wait... they already have those.

Manga versions of the Bible and various Shakespeare plays will be migrating from Britain to the U.S. sometime this year. That's both scary and intriguing at the same time. I'd love to see the manga version of David and Bathsheba. The manga version of Numbers... not so much.

Eddie Griffin crashes and destroys rare Enzo Ferrari worth over a million dollars. I bet he'll buy another one so he can try it again.

High school girls in New Zealand discover that Ribena doesn't actually contain as much Vitamin C as it claims. Now that's a GUARANTEED first place in the science fair.

A Romanian cashier who was declared dead has to pay a month's wages to prove that she's still alive. There are some obvious advantages to being legally dead - she can commit any crime with a mandatory life sentence and not have to spend a minute in prison, and they can't possibly expect her to pay taxes. On the downside, getting health care might be a sticky wicket.

A Portuguese group asks the Pope to make a priest in a Ford Fiesta ST slow down and drive safely. The priest, however, has stated that he plans to drive very carefully, unless he's challenged to a drag race by Eddie Griffin in a new Enzo Ferrari.

Students invent a sticky note you can write on without a pen. Unfortunately, it's probably all too easy to rub it with the wrong material and erase the message completely. But it SOUNDS useful.

A retirement home for the deaf is forced to take people who can hear, because they caved and accepted government funding. Yet there are still no Atheists in the Boy Scouts. Now how do you account for that?

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