Off-duty cop beats up female bartender half his size. And THAT'S why she wouldn't serve you! People like that make very poor cases for their defense.
Three of four students who made a film about killer teddy bears attacking a teacher will be unexpelled and financially compensated. The fourth one, I suppose, is the loser for not standing up for himself.
Jeep runs over a mechanic while he sleeps. In his own bed, mind, not lying on the workshop floor. He survived, though, to make a statement that the reporters lovingly captured, Virginia accent and all.
Man claims to have been shot by his 2-year-old. I think he's been watching too much The Simpsons.
Assistant wrestling coach bites a student who tries to gang-wedgie him. It seems almost reasonable, except that the bite was on the student's inner thigh. That's just far too wrong to be dismissed.
A man who once killed a horse to have sex with it gets probation and psychological treatment for having sex with a dead deer. It's obviously not been working so far. So when does castration become an option? Three-strike rule?
A study says that scientists still can't grasp the blindingly obvious: Amazing! Astonishing! Chinese restaurant food is bad for you! We KNOW that. That's why we eat it. We know that. That's WHY we eat it.
A historical society finds two antique safes but can't find antique keys or antique combinations. However, we don't need a locksmith to tell us what's inside. Obviously, the first safe will contain a Lost Soul and Odin materia, while the other will contain a portable hole as well as any possessions they've had confiscated by the guards.
Chicago goes on a hunt for goose eggs. They're going to kill the goose embryos inside the eggs to control the population. Yet I bet if you suggested doing the same thing to human embryos, half of those people would call you a murderer. It truly is frightening what the human mind can rationalize.