Nidoking (nidoking) wrote,

Only the first 20 people to cross the finish line get to be in the news

There was no news from the usual source today. NONE. So in addition to my usual standbys, I hit up an old favorite and dug in the archives a bit for a few stories to round out today's post. I hope there's a good time in here somewhere, and that everyone can learn to share it.

A man whose name is suspiciously close to Michael Jackson says restaurants should make their nutrition information easier to get to. According to Jackobson's plan, when a customer orders a dish with over 200 calories, the server will say "Are you sure? That's a lot of food, and frankly, you don't look like you need the extra weight, Pudgy McFatterson." He doesn't seem to think this will hurt the restaurant's business, which could be partly true. Indiana governor Mitch Daniels has been saying the same thing to the entire state for years, and he managed to get reelected.

A man in Germany stole a 60-person buffet. Obviously, in contrast to the Beetle, the Germans must also make some pretty huge cars. He's been sentenced to a suspended jail term and repayment of the cost of the meal, plus community service for failing to provide the necessary nutrition information for his friends to make healthy choices about what they ate.

A man in China will hire a stand-in mistress for his wife to beat up so he can protect his real mistress. This will probably lead to him cheating on his mistress with the stand-in and needing to hire a stand-in stand-in for the mistress to beat up. If she's thinking smart, his wife will probably snag the position.

It's hailing in Canberra. Which would be weird because it's summer there, except that the weather's been so screwed up everywhere that it would be weird NOT to have hail in the summer.

An Egyptian in Italy locked up his wife for two years because she was "too lively". "She was-a gonna beat uppa my mistress," he told reporters, putting on a fake Italian accent to disguise the fact that he was an immigrant.

A janitor got locked in a courthouse conference room for a whole weekend. Authorities are investigating several questions: Why didn't anyone look in there for him? Why was he allowed in a secure room unsupervised? Isn't having a room that can't be opened from inside a health code violation? And what, exactly, DID he do about toilet facilities?

A Romanian pedophile has been released early because they considered his book on Vlad Dracul community service. I guess nobody read it and noticed the particular attention he gave to the ritual vampires perform on the bodies of their female victims after draining their blood, with vivid descriptions of some of the teenaged girls he'd bitten and slept with. But I suppose, in the guy's defense, he didn't know that the girl he'd slept with was only 13. I guess not all Romanians know how to count. THey need Grilled White Breadman's No Child Left Behind program (co-authored by Tim LaHaye).

Today's college students are narcissistic and self-centered according to a report in "Look at me, I'm so special because I have a degree in psychology!" magazine.

A kidnapped teen cuts through his duck tape with a safety pin he'd hidden in his mouth. He'll be in the movie remake of MacGyver for sure.

A Fort Wayne drug dealer gets a 100-year sentence. Guess he feels pretty stupid now for turning down the six-year plea bargain.

The floor of a motel bathroom collapses and traps a man for three hours. At least he had access to toilet facilities, although he may not have been in a position to use them.

A woman defrauds Social Security by having her children pretend to be mentally retarded... for 22 years. If the government wants to know why Social Security is in such bad shape... there it is.

The annual Pakistani kite festival leaves a disturbing number dead. Maybe I should take it back... kite flying IS dangerous.

A bus driver saves a girl from traffic. And that girl will probably grow up and have children without the sense to stay out of the way of fast-moving heavy objects. Darwin weeps. But the bus driver was pretty cool.

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