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Jan. 12th, 2007

Not sure there's anything worth saying tonight. I played some Bridge, but nobody cares about that. I fixed some problems at work, but nobody cares about that. I found it amusing that Matthew Lesko and Fabio took over for Adam West on 1 vs. 100, but nobody cares about that. I've offended a bunch of people, and some people care about that while some don't. They both hurt. Now some people will say something like "Just don't do it again, and it'll be okay," and that's not true. Or they might say "It was a mistake, everyone makes them," which is true but irrelevant. Or maybe even "The people you thought you offended weren't really," which is both untrue AND irrelevant. There's "You're overreacting," which passes both truth and relevance tests, but fails to offer any sort of constructive advice. "Stop overreacting" is, of course, a denial of my very being. Let's see... any other possible responses? I guess there's the "You seem to think I'm going to hold something against you that I don't," which breaks all the barriers but then becomes the problem itself. And, having no idea how to make something like this better myself (or I wouldn't be in this position), I've run out of ideas. I know someone out there's going to think of one I forgot, but I doubt it'll be any better than those. I have mocked the power of forgiveness tonight... there is no refuge left. So HA! Let's see you say something cheery NOW! Assuming you were planning to, which is usually the case, but I've created a special circumstance.

I know. Whine whine whine, emo emo emo. I think I'm entitled every now and then.



( (void *) comments[17] — Finger the nothingness that underlies everything )
Jan. 13th, 2007 03:23 am (UTC)
See what happens when I think, "Oh, I'll look at my friends list one more time before going upstairs"?

Is there anything you don't mock? Why should mocking the power of forgiveness be any worse than mocking anything else?

Anyway, I'm sure I could think of something cheery, but I'm pretty sure I'd be playing right into your scheme (if I read that third-to-last sentence correctly, which I am not too sure of, being tired, punchy, and on an ice-cream-induced high).

Jan. 13th, 2007 03:52 am (UTC)
Forgiveness is a funny thing. (Odd funny, not humorous funny.) For most people, it's all that gets them through life. People are accident-prone, and they do things that hurt people without meaning to. Forgiveness lets them move past those things and get on with life. I can't see the world that way. I don't always bear grudges, but sometimes I do, particularly with "toxic people" as you called them today. If I can hold even one grudge, then I can't accept anyone else forgiving anything I've ever done with so little effort. Part of me has always wanted people to hold that against me until I've behaved well enough to make them forget it, and still have a black mark that prevents me from being quite as respected as I was. Forgiving me, in a sense, mocks everything I do to try to get back into someone's good graces. It says that all my would-be noble actions are meaningless. It says that everything I've been brought up to believe, that good deeds bring instant rewards while bad ones bring long, drawn-out punishments, is wrong. It says that people don't expect me to be good... they expect me to hurt them from time to time. I can't live with people having that impression of me. The way I've always seen it, doing something bad means I've got to make it up somehow. Doing something good is just me being me; it doesn't count for anything. So I spend my entire life trying to repay debts that I can't accumulate credit toward.

Then, one day, I decided not to be depressed anymore, and I've found new ways to see all of those things. It still doesn't make it any easier to realize that I've done something stupid, knowing full well how stupid it was, and that I can never take it back, undo it, make it up, or ask for forgiveness, because all of those things have no meaning to me. Memories of the stupid things I've done pop into my head all the time, and until I can distract myself from them, it actually brings my entire body up short. I'll hear something perfectly innocent that reminds me of something stupid I did years ago, which no one remembers but me, and I'll stop and shudder and cringe at the memory. I'll always have them.

There's no scheme... this was just me getting the emo out of my system. There are just lots of things I always hear in response to emotions like this, and I wanted to hear some new ones.
Jan. 13th, 2007 03:25 am (UTC)
Also, just in case it's relevant, I believe you know my e-mail address, and you are welcome to write any time you like.
Jan. 13th, 2007 03:56 am (UTC)
I'm pretty sure I can find it if I need to. I'm just usually not very good at E-mails... the personal, private conversation with potentially long delays makes it hard to keep up, for some reason. Also, I might be tempted to say things I've decided not to, which has nothing to do with anything I've said tonight.
Jan. 13th, 2007 03:27 am (UTC)
Well, not knowing you or the situation, I can't comment on that, but this is a livejournal. It is where you are supposed to be whiny and emo. If you don't emote every once in a while, Frank the Goat cries. And then possibly eats your pants.
Jan. 13th, 2007 03:58 am (UTC)
Yes, and I'm also in America, where I'm supposed to eat hamburgers, drink beer, desire an expensive car, watch reality TV, and think women I see on TV are sexy. I don't like doing things I'm supposed to. And I don't like being emo anymore. Those days are long gone.
Jan. 13th, 2007 05:25 am (UTC)
Well, no one over 16 likes being emo and whiny, but it happens. I'm just saying... things may suck now and I'm sorry, but it happens. Beating yourself up about it just makes you feel worse.
Jan. 13th, 2007 02:53 pm (UTC)
... I was still comfortable with it at 23
Jan. 13th, 2007 04:21 pm (UTC)
Promise I won't tell anyone.
Jan. 13th, 2007 05:50 pm (UTC)
To be honest, if I wanted that kept secret, I wouldn't have posted it in a public entry. ^_^ I hope people out there can learn from my lessons and maybe improve their own lives accordingly.
Jan. 13th, 2007 03:36 am (UTC)
You can be emo all you want, but being cryptic about what happened just isn't fair.
Jan. 13th, 2007 03:59 am (UTC)
Says the guy who's just friended me. ^_^ You'll understand in due time.

In this case, however, I think it would be less fair to the other people involved if I gave out details about what I did. I'll just leave it at "I made one of my infamous Jesus jokes in a place where it might not have been the best idea."
Jan. 13th, 2007 12:37 pm (UTC)
Well, I care, even if I don't comment much.

Sorry you're having a bad day, and I hope tomorrow is better.
Jan. 13th, 2007 02:53 pm (UTC)

It'd be nice if the rain would stop, at least.
Jan. 14th, 2007 11:29 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I'm with you. And the ice needs to stop too. I dislike having to scrape my car whilst standing in the rain. -_-
Jan. 13th, 2007 02:17 pm (UTC)
Believe me, you aren't the only one who has "stupid" things pop into your head. I've had my fair share. It doesn't happen often but when it does, what a bummer. I just have to remind myself that it is in the past, nothing I can do today will change the past. Then I look at who I am today, how much stronger, smarter, kinder I've become. It helps put the past in perspective. If the past hadn't happened, if I hadn't done the stupid things, would I be who I am today?
Jan. 13th, 2007 02:52 pm (UTC)
Yep. That's what I eventually learned to do. The problem is that, with the frequency it happens to me, and the recentness of some of the stupider memories, having to constantly remind myself of how great I am makes me feel uncomfortable with the idea.
( (void *) comments[17] — Finger the nothingness that underlies everything )


Yes, I'm THAT Nidoking. Sometimes I write fanfiction... often I waste all my time playing video games and watching anime. But it's not a waste if I enjoy it, right? I can quote from a movie, video game, anime series, or British comedy apropos of just about any situation, and one of my main goals in life is to entertain people. (The other big one is amassing as much anime and manga as I can... see below for a progress report.) That's me in a nutshell. ("Help! I'm trapped in a nutshell! What a bloody great nutshell this is!")


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