Nidoking (nidoking) wrote,

Brahms' First News

The election has certainly changed one thing about this country: Everyone who's been saying "Voting is your civic duty" is now saying "I hope you all voted." I hear that President Bush is planning to make a speech about the results of the election, and I figure it will probably go something like "I'm ashamed of this country for not listening to me when I told you how to vote. I thought I made it perfectly clear that you were supposed to vote REPUBLICAN! But in this time of crisis for our country, we all have to work together and try to get back on track when the two years of darkness are over. We're all going to have to combinate our forces and work together for the common and good. I put my trust in the Democrats to keep our troops in Iraq as long as it takes to win this war, and to keep vital pieces of legislation like the Patriot Act in place so I can continue to personally defend this country. I promise I won't read any of your personal mail. That doesn't include you, Mark Foley. Pause for laughter. Oh, wait, I wasn't supposed to read that part."

Bibles in pocket save a man from being shot. You know what we need to do... Everyone strap a bunch of Qurans over your vital organs and go get shot at, before everyone buys into the bullet-stopping properties of the Bible!

Couples who are having trouble making babies can go on luxury vacations to learn the secrets of sexcess. Here's the essence of it... you have to put the ding-dong in the hoohah and waggle it around until it goes whoopee.

Drunk drivers try to buy gas from a nuclear power plant. If either of them had been driving a DeLorean, it might have worked.

Man chokes a car wash supervisor because they washed his tires by hand. And the story was written by Steve Schmadeke. That's a name that just screams made up.

Newspapers charge for letters to the editor that back political candidates. On the one hand, it makes some sense, since it's basically advertising that's cheap as free. On the other hand, why are political opinions any different from other opinions? All I know is, the Jonesboro Sun could make a mint with a scheme like that.

A North Carolina school requires students to be escorted to the bathroom by administrators. A HIGH school. So the hall pass records aren't enough to help them pinpoint the troublemakers who are setting fires? Yeesh! Don't 85% of school shootings happen in the classroom? Student safety... I agree with those kids. They should get recess and naptime.

Doctor drugs male patients and takes compromising photos of them. What eventually did him in was two of them waking up at his house.

New Mexico Burger King employees give police burgers with pot on them. They must have coincidentally said the secret word or placed the magic order. (The code word for this drug purchase is... "burger".)

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