And now, on with the news.
The man was an American hero. He served in the Middle East, only to come home and die in a car accident. Then the message in a bottle he threw into a lake 11 years ago resurfaced. Its poignant words for the ages: "My name is Josh Baker. I am 10. If you find this put it on the news. The date is 4/16/95." The world will be forever changed by this revelation.
A child welfare worker leads a police chase on a motorcycle at 142 m.p.h. So here's the question: If a protector of child welfare ends up in jail for speeding, that prevents him from doing his work. So is that child endangerment?
A jewelry shop is busted for doing unlicensed, unsanitary dental work. And would you really go to a jewelry shop for fillings, even gold ones? Really really?
Not just the Big Ears Bandit, but the Enormous Ears Bandit. My brother's restaurant got robbed at gunpoint last night, and the police held him for three hours suspecting that he was involved. From the barrel end of the gun. I just thought I'd pass the word along. Yes, this is the same brother who had to fight a ticket for having out-of-state plates in Maryland. The police just don't like the kid.
A Florida man uses his pickup to move a trash fire away from a house. Now there's material for a commercial.
A clerk who peed in a bottle of Mountain Dew gets house arrest in lieu of a felony conviction. And it was poured ceremonially onto Strong Bad's computer.
Singapore has done it again. They've created a certification course for "restroom specialists" and raised their monthly wages. It's the first step toward the revolution when the man who changes the bog rolls is ranked higher than the technicians.
A woman, practicing for her driving test the next day, drives a taxi into a canal. Sometimes, practice makes perfect. Other times, it brings Darwin to your doorstep. Either way, you're better off.
Fat male flasher alert.
Speaking of flashers, this bartender called in a bomb squad to investigate the flashing light of a beer ad. This is the second time this week the bomb squad's had to defuse beer. They must really be enjoying their jobs. (Actually, they didn't get to visit this scene. They had to quietly sip their Pabst back at headquarters with the Rexburg police department.)