An elephant gets sick from eating too many New Year's goodies. Can't people figure out that feeding animals foods that they don't normally eat is bad for them? What's wrong with these people?
Another moron steals security cameras but leaves the tapes behind. The kicker? He was robbing a freaking laundromat.
Buffalo people are buffaloing 911 operators. No wonder that 911 operator let the 6-year-old boy's mother die.
A federal judge puts a man on "time-out" for the duration of a trial because he didn't want to be on the grand jury. It's unpaid labor is what it is.
A turkey smashes through a library window. And another one ran in front of my car yesterday. Anyone out there still want to argue with me about turkeys being suicidal?
Think that 85 British pound sandwich from yesterday was expensive? The Kentucky Derby will have $1000 mint juleps for sale. That's a thousand bucks for a tiny (albeit solid gold) glass of random crap, probably involving mint and/or juleps. Apparently, it's for a charity to run glue companies out of business or some such.
An article about the plan to have a cosmonaut hit a golf ball from the space station. We've all known about that for a while, but just look at the amount of preparation and manpower that's going into preparing for this simple stunt. So tell me again... how, exactly, is being able to hit a golf ball conducive to furthering our efforts in space exploration?
A woman gets a ticket for taking too long to walk across an intersection. It's about time... although if the light's really only 20 seconds long, and the street's that wide, there's a problem there. Perhaps a series of skyways would be useful, although they'd need to have elevators installed for those who can't climb stairs.
Today's Sports: A 9-year-old bullfighter.
MIT students steal Caltech's prized cannon. I never knew there could be such a direct rivalry between schools so far apart.
A Bristol teacher can't get a replacement for her farting chair. She claims it's a matter of sexual discrimination... and it may well be. The question is, would it be funnier if it were a man sitting in the farting chair? I don't think so.