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Toothless beaver recuperates from car accident in the hospital. As expected, it has to be force-fed, because no creature on Earth recognizes hospital food as edible.

A would-be terrorist tries to hire a hitman from his jail cell. His brother, the only one of the five targets who was to be left alive, says he's fine after having been treated... I'm going to say doubtful.

School toilets in Abilene stop working. The students have to be bussed in shifts to nearby schools with working toilets. I don't think I'd have lasted that long.

Do I hear a duck? This doctor claims to be able to telepathically rewind your body in time to return to the state before whatever injury you want healed. It works because it's called "Bahlaqeem", which is nine letters long and sounds like some sort of snack food. The best part is that, because the patient doesn't actually need to go to the doctor's office, he can continue carrying out the treatments from the confines of his straitjacket.

Bush refers to an immigration bill as an "energy" bill. He quickly corrected himself, because he hadn't intended to give away his strategy of using illegal immigrants as an alternative fuel source this early in the game.

A chemist is working on chameleon-style clothing that can change color based on electrical impulses. No, I'm serious... he's using colored threads to generate RGB pixels and making a fabric that effectively functions like a CRT. Possible applications include "mood ring" clothing and partial invisibility by mimicking the surroundings. Now, what to do about waterproofing it?

An Australian Mint worker stole a fortune in $2 coins by hiding them in his boots and lunchbox. So they don't make the workers go through metal detectors on their way out? Actually, I wonder whether they'd ever catch a worker who swiped money from the production line and put it right into the vending machines. There's a clever way to stretch your funds.

The Canadian bomb squad responds to a live anti-aircraft shell donated to a thrift store. It'd probably been used as a paperweight, eh?

A pair of gay ducks in Sweden. So what are the "homosexuality isn't NATURAL" people saying about this?

New GPS technology will allow parents to monitor when their children are close to the homes of known sexual predators. I think we all know how I feel about all these measures people are taking with respect to sexual predators... as much as those people are by and large the scum of the Earth, we're giving up on them, which most people seem to loathe the very idea of. And with every protective measure that comes out, parents assume less responsibility for the things THEY can do to keep their children safe (like not letting them run around in banks), and look to the government to do it for them. And this latest technology is useless when those sexual predators leave the confines of their homes, like to go shopping or see a movie or go to the park and picture children naked. Or are we going to fit them all with GPS devices of their own?

An artist whines because people threw away her eggshell sculpture. Here's a hint: Make art out of things that aren't garbage. If it looks enough like garbage that people throw it away, maybe it's the artist who needs to learn what "art" is. And turn off your faucet already!

Students looking to get into their high school prom will have one more test to pass - a blood alcohol test.

An Eva Longoria magazine cover big enough to be seen from the air over Las Vegas. It's probably a movie promotion for her starring role in the remake of "The 50-Foot Woman".

A man dissatisfied with his penis enlargement mailed a bomb to the plastic surgeon, then arranged to have it defused. He pleaded guilty to weapons of mass destruction, which sounds to me like the authorities taking advantage of his guilt. Of course, the article doesn't describe what type of bomb it was.

Were-rabbit attacks real-life veg in Felton, England. Publicity stunt for a well-timed sequel?

MIT researchers are using viruses to build tiny batteries. They're currently working under pressure from the greatest threat to their research, Dr. Mario.

Comments

(Deleted comment)
nidoking
Apr. 7th, 2006 04:46 pm (UTC)
Artists sure can be a crazy bunch. But at least they're interesting. I can see why you enjoy studying them so much.
bufi44
Apr. 7th, 2006 03:54 pm (UTC)
Bush's "energy" bill sounds a lot like a Swift satire. Remember the one for using the poor for food? In this case, I guess we could conserve natural fuels by burning immigrants. Or maybe go back to the Flintstones and have one immigrant placed where each tire on the car would be. Run, amigo, run. Faster.
nidoking
Apr. 7th, 2006 04:48 pm (UTC)
I believe it was babies, actually. Swift suggested raising babies as an alternative to turkey at Christmas. All I really had to say about it was that by the time the mother was done eating for two, they'd still end up at a net loss. But it was never meant to be taken seriously anyway. Now, I can think of lots of people who'd probably be of more use to society burned for fuel, and I'm not talking illegal immigrants.
sockschan
Apr. 7th, 2006 05:37 pm (UTC)
Actually, Indiana is considering fitting sexual predators with GPS units. I hadn't heard about doing it the other way around...
nidoking
Apr. 7th, 2006 06:02 pm (UTC)
I've probably heard about that at some point and forgotten about it, since I'm not a sexual predator and don't plan to be. To me, that seems like the easiest thing to do if you don't like the penalties, but common sense is so passé these days.

Again, it's hard to imagine what good it will possibly do parents to know these things about their kids. What will they do... call their kids and tell them to get away from there? If they see that their teens are speeding, will they call while they're driving to remind them to slow down? Still, they're going to rake in money from those parents who can actually bother to be concerned. It's sad that, while there are so few parents anymore willing to put forth the effort to raise their kids properly (or so it seems from reading some of the communities), the world is giving them so many wrong ideas of how to go about it.
wraith_hammer
Apr. 7th, 2006 06:16 pm (UTC)
Homosexuality is actually more common in the wild than you'd think. It's actually an evolutionary adaptation in a sense under natural conditions. In times of scarcity, when there isn't enough food available for each heterosexual pairing to have offspring, some animals will actually become homosexual, which has about the same effect as them turning sterile, but is an easier physiological condition to turn on. As a result of not having any offspring of their own to care for, these homosexual animals tend to assist new parents, especially when a homosexual one is closely related to the babies.
nidoking
Apr. 7th, 2006 06:36 pm (UTC)
I knew that. Just pointing out that it's one more published article to show the "OMG HOMOS R TEH EVIL" idiots of the world.

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Yes, I'm THAT Nidoking. Sometimes I write fanfiction... often I waste all my time playing video games and watching anime. But it's not a waste if I enjoy it, right? I can quote from a movie, video game, anime series, or British comedy apropos of just about any situation, and one of my main goals in life is to entertain people. (The other big one is amassing as much anime and manga as I can... see below for a progress report.) That's me in a nutshell. ("Help! I'm trapped in a nutshell! What a bloody great nutshell this is!")

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