HARRY: I've sure moved up in the Dursley house. In two more books, I'll probably own the house!
DOBBY: Harry Potter must not go to Hogwash! Oh, blast! One line, and Dobby screws it up! (bangs head against everything in the room)
HARRY: Great. Now I'm in trouble.
RON: Don't worry, Harry! Fred and George eat trouble for breakfast, lunch, dinner, midnight snack, and dessert with each one! They stole this keen flying car from Dad to rescue you!
HARRY: Does it travel through time?
FRED: What do you think this is, a movie? There's no such thing as time travel!
GEORGE: ... yet.
MOLLY: Boys, I'm very cross with you! Harry, you're wonderful! Now stop being such a bad influence on them!
ARTHUR: Evening, dear! I was just visiting my mate Lister - is that Harry Potter?
GINNY: Isn't he amazing? I've only seen him once before, and already I have a monster crush.
ARTHUR: My dear Ginny... they told me I could never have a daughter, and then Ginny was born. We sure proved them wrong, didn't we, Molly?
MOLLY: (eyes shift) Er, yes.
LOCKHART: Me, me, me! Oh, it's Harry Potter! Why, he's almost as famous as me!
LUCIUS: I hate these people enough to plant something very evil in their baggage... the latest Xanth novel.
HARRY: The Hogwarts Express won't let us in! What do we do?
RON: Eat trouble for breakfast.
HARRY: Are you sure you know how to fly this car?
RON: Are you sure a Whomping Willow attack is survivable?
HERMIONE: That was so irresponsible of you!
HARRY: You heard?
HERMIONE: No, but I know you two well enough to know you must have done something irresponsible. So what was it?
RON: Don't forget, the three of us were the ones who beat You-Know-Who and destroyed the Sorcerer's Stone!
HERMIONE: Yes, yes. Just wait until our catalogue of heroic deeds is long enough to bore You-Know-Who to death by the time we're done repeating it.
FILCH: Someone's turned Mrs. Norris to stone! Mrs. Norris, find the culp- oh. (cries)
DRACO: Harry can talk to snakes! I feel justified for trying to kill him!
NEVILLE: Hey, Colin Creevey's turned to stone too!
BINNS: The Chamber of Secrets is a chamber. With secrets. And because they're secrets, I'm not going to tell you about them.
HARRY: That was the dullest explanation yet in this series. When the movie comes out, let's ask McGonagall instead.
HERMIONE: We can turn ourselves into Slytherins and find out from Draco what's up.
RON: So we can change our bodies... but what do we do to make our souls black enough to fit in?
HERMIONE: Take jobs at Microsoft.
HARRY AS GOYLE: Duh... chamber.
RON AS CRABBE: Dur... secrets.
DRACO: Those are the longest sentences you two have ever formed. Are you on wizard's dope or something?
HARRY AS GOYLE: Yup.
DRACO: Oh. Well, in that case, I'm not suspicious in the least.
HARRY: So who's turning people to stone?
RON: This statue of Hermione says it's a basilisk. But basilisks kill people with their gaze. She must be wrong. We should ask the real Hermione. And find out why this statue has such a resemblance. And where the heck is that Chamber of Secrets?
MYRTLE: (moans) Nobody thinks of asking ME where the Chamber of Secrets is!
HARRY: Ginny's been kidnapped! Good thing her diary knows what happened to her!
TOM RIDDLE: SHE'S IN THE CHAMBER. AND YOU'LL GO THERE TOO. WE ALL FLOAT DOWN THERE. MWA HA HA HA HA... OH, THE BOOK'S STILL OPEN. UM... BOO. HAGRID DID IT.
HARRY: Hagrid's innocent of everything! He was raising a harmless giant spider!
ARAGOG: I wouldn't call myself harmless....
CAR: Fine, I forgive you for crashing me. I'll save you this time, but if I ever see you two again, I'm running you over.
LOCKHART: So you've found the chamber! Cleverly hidden in the one place where no one would ever find it... the girls' bathroom!
RON: Wouldn't, you know, GIRLS go in the girls' lavvies?
LOCKHART: Fine, so you caught me in a lie! I'm a fraud! What are you going to do about it?
RON: Nothing! I'm a total failure! Even my wand has been broken for the whole book! Look!
LOCKHART: Really? (uses the broken wand) Why, so my memory's been erased.
HARRY: So the big secret of the Chamber of Secrets is... a giant snake?
FAWKES: I'M the real hero here! I sacrifice my immortal life to both blind the basilisk AND give Harry his ultimate weapon!
HARRY: Cool, a sword! That's the best weapon for a wizard!
SORTING HAT: Well, it worked for Louie the Rune Soldier.
TOM RIDDLE: I'M VOLDEMORT!
HARRY: You got Hagrid in trouble, you kidnapped Ron's only sister, you led me to my basilisk poison-induced death, and you have terrible handwriting! (poisons diary)
TOM RIDDLE: Don't tell me I forgot to make my book out of toxic-retardant paper!
HARRY: Well, that was certainly a terminal event with no eventual further significance four more books down the line. (dies)
FAWKES: (cries healing tears over Harry)
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, phoenixes are both immortal AND the source of unimaginable healing power. One would wonder why wizards have to worry about injury at all with these marvelous birds around.
HARRY: So why...?
DUMBLEDORE: I'm trying to get into Madam Pomfrey's - er, never mind. You're a hero once again.
HARRY: So it's back to the Dursleys' for another summer?
DUMBLEDORE: See you in book three. Although not very much.
HARRY: I hate my life.
DOBBY: Dobby is free! He regrets having horribly maimed Harry Potter so many times. Harry Potter is wonderful!
HARRY: Just what I need... ANOTHER rabid fan.
Feel free to comment, criticize, caterwaul, or even praise, should such an unforeseen thought occur to you.