Nidoking (nidoking) wrote,
Nidoking
nidoking

Harry Potter Story Reductions, part 2

Rather than get involved with a video game at this point, and having brought up the first entry in this series in a conversation with bufi44 a short time ago, I figured I might as well write the story reduction of the second book in the series, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. As before, it'll be full of sarcasm, witty, humorous, and more accurate than most would care to admit.

HARRY: I've sure moved up in the Dursley house. In two more books, I'll probably own the house!
DOBBY: Harry Potter must not go to Hogwash! Oh, blast! One line, and Dobby screws it up! (bangs head against everything in the room)
HARRY: Great. Now I'm in trouble.
RON: Don't worry, Harry! Fred and George eat trouble for breakfast, lunch, dinner, midnight snack, and dessert with each one! They stole this keen flying car from Dad to rescue you!
HARRY: Does it travel through time?
FRED: What do you think this is, a movie? There's no such thing as time travel!
GEORGE: ... yet.
MOLLY: Boys, I'm very cross with you! Harry, you're wonderful! Now stop being such a bad influence on them!
ARTHUR: Evening, dear! I was just visiting my mate Lister - is that Harry Potter?
GINNY: Isn't he amazing? I've only seen him once before, and already I have a monster crush.
ARTHUR: My dear Ginny... they told me I could never have a daughter, and then Ginny was born. We sure proved them wrong, didn't we, Molly?
MOLLY: (eyes shift) Er, yes.
LOCKHART: Me, me, me! Oh, it's Harry Potter! Why, he's almost as famous as me!
LUCIUS: I hate these people enough to plant something very evil in their baggage... the latest Xanth novel.
HARRY: The Hogwarts Express won't let us in! What do we do?
RON: Eat trouble for breakfast.
HARRY: Are you sure you know how to fly this car?
RON: Are you sure a Whomping Willow attack is survivable?
HERMIONE: That was so irresponsible of you!
HARRY: You heard?
HERMIONE: No, but I know you two well enough to know you must have done something irresponsible. So what was it?
RON: Don't forget, the three of us were the ones who beat You-Know-Who and destroyed the Sorcerer's Stone!
HERMIONE: Yes, yes. Just wait until our catalogue of heroic deeds is long enough to bore You-Know-Who to death by the time we're done repeating it.
FILCH: Someone's turned Mrs. Norris to stone! Mrs. Norris, find the culp- oh. (cries)
DRACO: Harry can talk to snakes! I feel justified for trying to kill him!
NEVILLE: Hey, Colin Creevey's turned to stone too!
HARRY: Who?
BINNS: The Chamber of Secrets is a chamber. With secrets. And because they're secrets, I'm not going to tell you about them.
HARRY: That was the dullest explanation yet in this series. When the movie comes out, let's ask McGonagall instead.
HERMIONE: We can turn ourselves into Slytherins and find out from Draco what's up.
RON: So we can change our bodies... but what do we do to make our souls black enough to fit in?
HERMIONE: Take jobs at Microsoft.
MYRTLE: (moans)
HARRY AS GOYLE: Duh... chamber.
RON AS CRABBE: Dur... secrets.
DRACO: Those are the longest sentences you two have ever formed. Are you on wizard's dope or something?
HARRY AS GOYLE: Yup.
DRACO: Oh. Well, in that case, I'm not suspicious in the least.
MYRTLE: (moans)
HARRY: So who's turning people to stone?
RON: This statue of Hermione says it's a basilisk. But basilisks kill people with their gaze. She must be wrong. We should ask the real Hermione. And find out why this statue has such a resemblance. And where the heck is that Chamber of Secrets?
MYRTLE: (moans) Nobody thinks of asking ME where the Chamber of Secrets is!
HARRY: Ginny's been kidnapped! Good thing her diary knows what happened to her!
TOM RIDDLE: SHE'S IN THE CHAMBER. AND YOU'LL GO THERE TOO. WE ALL FLOAT DOWN THERE. MWA HA HA HA HA... OH, THE BOOK'S STILL OPEN. UM... BOO. HAGRID DID IT.
HARRY: Hagrid's innocent of everything! He was raising a harmless giant spider!
ARAGOG: I wouldn't call myself harmless....
CAR: Fine, I forgive you for crashing me. I'll save you this time, but if I ever see you two again, I'm running you over.
LOCKHART: So you've found the chamber! Cleverly hidden in the one place where no one would ever find it... the girls' bathroom!
RON: Wouldn't, you know, GIRLS go in the girls' lavvies?
LOCKHART: Fine, so you caught me in a lie! I'm a fraud! What are you going to do about it?
RON: Nothing! I'm a total failure! Even my wand has been broken for the whole book! Look!
LOCKHART: Really? (uses the broken wand) Why, so my memory's been erased.
HARRY: So the big secret of the Chamber of Secrets is... a giant snake?
FAWKES: I'M the real hero here! I sacrifice my immortal life to both blind the basilisk AND give Harry his ultimate weapon!
HARRY: Cool, a sword! That's the best weapon for a wizard!
SORTING HAT: Well, it worked for Louie the Rune Soldier.
TOM RIDDLE: I'M VOLDEMORT!
HARRY: You got Hagrid in trouble, you kidnapped Ron's only sister, you led me to my basilisk poison-induced death, and you have terrible handwriting! (poisons diary)
TOM RIDDLE: Don't tell me I forgot to make my book out of toxic-retardant paper!
HARRY: Well, that was certainly a terminal event with no eventual further significance four more books down the line. (dies)
FAWKES: (cries healing tears over Harry)
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, phoenixes are both immortal AND the source of unimaginable healing power. One would wonder why wizards have to worry about injury at all with these marvelous birds around.
HARRY: So why...?
DUMBLEDORE: I'm trying to get into Madam Pomfrey's - er, never mind. You're a hero once again.
HARRY: So it's back to the Dursleys' for another summer?
DUMBLEDORE: See you in book three. Although not very much.
HARRY: I hate my life.
DOBBY: Dobby is free! He regrets having horribly maimed Harry Potter so many times. Harry Potter is wonderful!
HARRY: Just what I need... ANOTHER rabid fan.

Feel free to comment, criticize, caterwaul, or even praise, should such an unforeseen thought occur to you.
Tags: potter potter potter, story reductions
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