New evidence shows that Stalin wanted to breed a race of human-ape hybrid living war machines. I need to keep a closer eye on sources... is this stuff really not coming from the Weekly World News?
The obligatory yearly roundup of stupid crime stories. My favorite is the Dane who got prison time for taking another man's place in jail, just to prove that it could be done. This burglar slept through the admission period for this year's roundup, but we'll honor him with his own link. And a nice prison sentence.
Male car thief escapes through hospital bathroom ceiling, then gets caught in the women's room of a fast food place. These crooks do get around. From town to town. Incomprehensible lines to finish out the chorus. Darn the Beach Boys.
Santa Claus robs a Texas bank. In fact, Santas have been causing lots of trouble recently. One wonders why this woman has a collection of over 6000 Santas, but since they're not guys in suits, they're less likely to cause trouble outside a Goosebumps novel.
The Cajundome in Lafayette needs toilet flushers to test its sewer system before a concert. It'll look good on a resume. "Toilet flusher, unpaid."
Mom could probably tell you more than I could about the previous governor of New Jersey, but the current one's no slouch at basketball. He won the raffle at a high school game and made the shot to win free tickets. I'm sure the raffle wasn't rigged or anything. Not that he'd do it... he has one of the highest approval ratings in New Jersey history, which means that at least four people are happy he's in office.
German prisoners can't have Christmas trees in their cells because of the possibility of smuggling drugs in the trunks. Just imagine someone trying to make that ruling here. We'd have those "Merry Christians" up in arms because the prisons are trying to take religion away from the inmates. Indeed. Just look at Prisoner 24701 all depressed because he can't get his Crackmas tree and deck his cell with boughs of Mary Jane. I'm sure his only thoughts are of finding Jesus, which we all know is impossible without the requisite conifer. We also know that the devil ensnares any poor fool who sneezes and doesn't get a prompt "God bless you" or who walks into a store between October and January without hearing "Merry Christmas". It's the work of Satan, I tell you!
Enough of that. We mustn't laugh while welfare dads are being fired because they didn't tell the store they were fishing chocolate out of the garbage for their children. Fortunately, a local charity will provide for their Christmas, and the shop will no doubt get plenty of negative publicity.
A Florida teen confesses in his blog to a steering wheel prank that killed one of his friends. People need to watch what they say online now more than ever, especially with the Patriot Act looking to gain more and more power (or at least, its supporters want to give it more and more power). There's no place like Homeland Security. There's no place like Homeland Security.
16-foot snowman in Alaska. Sounds like a Xiaolin Showdown plot to me.
Kangaroo meat may be called "australus" in the future. Most of it will probably still become pet food, though.
These guys grew marijuana in a cave in Tennessee. If only these criminals would turn their minds to science, just imagine what they could accomplish! We need to declare science illegal and highly profitable just to get these guys going.
eBay will retain its ban on the sale of live animals. It was going to allow the online sale of pets, but that's still prohibited unless they have a pattern in their fur that looks like Jesus (who, reports would indicate, did NOT have long hair).
And Firefox seems to be surviving its encounters with Snopes again, now that I've installed AdBlock. I didn't want to do it, but those ads left me no choice. Browser crashes don't make Nido happy.