Nidoking (nidoking) wrote,

V-Day News

Love is in the air! And you know what that means. More airborne viruses, for a start. Also, more protests from pro-gay and anti-gay groups, as zookeepers bring in female penguins to help determine whether their male penguins are gay or just mating with any other penguin they can find, who happens to be another male. They're trying to brainwash penguins into being straight! The horror! Um, no.

It's pretty natural to get bored during long trials, particularly if you're the judge and that's all you do day in and day out. But only some people would describe what this judge did during those trials as natural. The fact that I don't describe what it is here should be a clue, but I will say that it involves a Swedish pump found in the Austin Powers movies.

Normally, twins are born separately so that one of them is a few minutes older than the other. They just wouldn't fit at the same time. But for this woman, the gap between the births of her twins was two months. I can just see the confusion when their friends show up to the birthday party with a gift for each one, only to hear "No, it's his birthday. Mine's not for another two months." "But you're twins, right?" "Yeah. But born two months apart." Maybe the old "when was your twin born?" standard of lawyer jokes isn't as farfetched as people think.

I've been trying to get people to join Online Survivor (still open slots, last I heard, and the prize is a full six months of paid livejournal time), but it's the real-life Survivor that's world famous. And people will pull crazy stunts to be chosen as contestants, like this bus driver who got the kids on her bus to act up against school rules. Fame and money are both wicked motivators... put them together and people will sell their souls.

While many people will see this one as an argument for tighter gun control, I see it as a bold testament in favor of sex education. A couple with a history of domestic abuse were having sex loudly enough to wake up their sons, and the older of the two (16), who probably should have known better, thought his father was abusing his mother and shot him. If they didn't have a gun, he probably would have used a kaiser blade - some folks calls it a sling blade, I calls it a kaiser blade - see where I'm going with this?

Six-foot snow dildo shocks neighbors. No comment needed, I feel. I'll just divert your attention with this story about a guy who covered his car with pictures of lady devils that most viewers consider pornographic. As police pressure heats up and a felony charge arises, he's less and less inclined to remove them. The initial intention was to protest the "no drinking on Sunday" law that he was convinced was a church issue, and he says the same church pressure to remove those stickers is unconstitutional. Quite a dilemma there, but I think if more kids knew about different types of sexual acts, they wouldn't shoot their fathers for performing them. I wouldn't want to see those stickers either.

Think the commercial feud between Miller and Budweiser (Anheuser-Busch) is funny? It probably cost this guy his job. He was a Miller employee who was photographed drinking a Bud Light, and that picture ended up in the paper. Who's laughing now?

Most mothers punish their children if they catch them using marijuana. This one beat her children because they refused to roll her joints for her. The world is a very scary place.

Banks take security quite seriously, some even going to far as to ban customers from entering the building to prevent robberies. That doesn't always work. Next, we lock the tellers out as well. Or lock them in, whichever. And who knows but that maybe all of those crimes were perpetrated by the same guy, like this doofus who was linked to a number of bank "robris" due to some "kwik" detective work in tracking his misspelled holdup notes. He was caught when a bank customer noticed a teller getting upset, followed the guy to the parking lot, and wrote down his license plate number. Good work on that one.

I think Hillary mentioned this story as well, but this guy has been arrested for DWI more times than any person should be allowed. Having no license is no obstacle for him... as Homer Simpson once said "It works! It's a miracle!" (after starting the car successfully when Lisa told him he couldn't drive without a license). Lock the guy up already, throw away the key, and toss a rabid animal in his cell for good measure.

As far as I know, restaurants are required to provide working bathroom facilities for their customers. (There are more businesses that probably are, but many of the smaller places don't.) So when a Burger King had problems keeping their septic system working, they had an interesting solution: rip out most of the seats to reduce their dine-in customer base. They also say people like the restaurant more when it's less cramped.

A guy drops a dollar bill full of cocaine in front of plainclothes officers and tells them it's his. Brilliant all around.

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