Nidoking (nidoking) wrote,

News from today and the weekend

Think I'd better cut this... there's a lot of news today.

Did everyone hear about that guinea pig tossed out an eighth-story window, or was that just a local story? Well, the fact that they have the kid in custody now made national news. (For those who don't or can't read the article, it had a parachute and was "slightly injured" after getting stuck in a tree on the way down.)

Criminals are often opportunists, using whatever means are handy when they find a crime worth committing. Take this 60-year-old man, for example, who grabbed the nearest sheet of paper to write a bank holdup note: a probate slip with his name and address on it. The less said, the better.

Gold coins keep turning up in Salvation Army kettles, and many people think whoever's donating them wants to generate more publicity. Well, here's some. The charity watchdog says it's unlikely that the Salvation Army are themselves planting the coins to be more mysterious... and I agree. When they generate publicity, it's more like one of their bell-ringers getting into a fight with a store employee. If they did background checks, they never would have hired that guy. But that's the overhead that people who give to charities hate so much. Don't most of them ask questions like "how much of my donation actually goes to feed the hungry and homeless?" You people should be ashamed of yourselves... YOU caused that fight.

Think Americans are standing up against fast food lately? Protesters in southern France are so against it, they launch fresh octopi at the McDonald's that's about to open. Let's see Jared Fogel get in on that action. "I'm Jared, from Subway, and I want to see what happens when we give the patrons of McDonald's healthy food for a change. So we've set up this catapult to launch thousands of delicious Subway sandwiches at the nearby McDonald's, each with only 6 grams of fat. ... As you can see, they don't like being pelted with good food. Clearly, McDonald's is brainwashing them with their addictive fatty products." On second thought, that's more an Orlando Jones (or the new 7-Up Guy) thing... "Ooh, that guy should've ducked!"

The Rio de Janeiro Fire Brigade Hospital has planned to remove its ATM for a while, because they tend to attract criminals. Well, looks like they just weren't fast enough. Stealing from sick firefighters... those guys are the sick ones, I tell you what.

They need to make a disaster movie about these random sinkholes that show up and collapse entire four-lane roads. The problem is that a hole doesn't "appear" per se... a hole is just the absence of stuff to fill the space, so it's more a case of disappearance of something else. Still, heck of a reason to be evacuated. Your house no longer has ground under it.

The media have a difficult job, particularly the newspapers. Things constantly fall through the quickly-moving cracks of the rapid-fire printing process (to tie the story to the sinkhole thing from above). For example, a set of dirty Christmas jokes, including digs at the religious side of the holiday. We need more Ill Will Press!

Has anyone here seen the Mr. Bean episode where he's renovating his apartment and drills through the wall, slicing everything on the other side? Sometimes it happens to more valuable things in more prominent places, like a 17th century painting on loan from the Hague Museum in the Dutch legislature building. I'm confused as to its value, though... it's listed at 250,000 Euro, which I understand is a lot (I'd guess $300,000 American), but as the news agency is Canadian, they translate it to $420,000 Canadian... isn't that about $5.40 American?

The setup: Every year, the Queen of England gives her workers a Christmas pudding as a present. (It's some special kind of pudding that's really famous over there, apparently.) There's a worker who hasn't been there long enough to qualify, so he doesn't get one, but there are extras and he manages to get his hands on one. Still, he's not supposed to have it, so what does he do? Why, what Burger King employees do with giant inflatable Spongebob Squarepantses: get fired for selling it on eBay! Um, hello... EAT THE EVIDENCE.

I'm not a big fan of strip clubs (and yes, I do speak from experience, as longtime readers of my journal would know if there were any... anyone remember that story from way back?), but as much as I dislike them, I respect their ability to keep certain types of people off the street. San Antonio is passing laws that sure seem to me to be trying to run them out of business. Strippers must now wear permits at all times and remain no less than 3 feet from the patrons. Accordingly, paying for a dance won't get a guy much more than what he gets when the guy at the next table over pays... so there's likely to be a lot less paying going on. Some of those ladies are paying their way through college! (Of course, I can't imagine that the permit described gives any information that could be used against them, as they're claiming... just a stage name and picture, which is what the guy gets just by looking at her anyway.)

Don't sleep in a dumpster, or you'll get compacted. If you're lucky, garbage will surround you and protect you. Yes, that's right... you'll be lucky to be surrounded by firm garbage. Don't sleep in a dumpster. (Or in the subway, but that's another story.)

More rat nests cause fires in high-profile vehicle engines. So watch for that. Maybe I'm fortunate to park outside... my engine compartment's no warmer than the surrounding air.

I've said it before (or things similar enough that the message still applies), and I'll say it again... if you must break into someone's house, don't stop to set up a meth lab while you're there. This is the kind of person stupid enough to try to hide under a pile of clothes. Idiot, idiot, idiot. Idiot.

And finally, a classic riddle: Who rides in a hearse but isn't dead? Answer: The driver. However, that's not the case in Kansas City, Missouri (the most inappropriately named city I can think of), where their hearse driver was declared dead for no discernable reason. Social Security retracted their payments for several months, and Medicare denied him payment for diabetes treatment, and it apparently took them a month to sort it all out. So the reason Christ lived and died and relived two thousand years ago becomes clear... had he waited until now, the paperwork would have been a nightmare. But at least he could have reassured people that Y2K wasn't going to bring the apocalypse they all feared.

Well, I think I've offended just about everybody by now. My job's done. Now back to the job I get paid for. ^_^
Tags: possible blasphemy

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded