Nidoking (nidoking) wrote,

I'm rereading this entry and I still don't know what I'm trying to say

It's hard to say right now which parts of my life are going well and which aren't. I'm equipped to deal with the near-constant deluge of memories of my past failures, but they don't seem to be coming up very often - is that BECAUSE I'm prepared for them and my subconscious has accepted that, or is it maybe because the antibiotics are working and I'm not as sick as I have been? This particular aspect of my depression has never been affected by my physical health before, as far as I could tell. Then there are the antibiotics - I'm pretty sure they're taking care of the infection, but the side effects are really taking it out of me. I was laid out for about half an hour this morning after taking the morning dose, and I think the only thing that prevented a recurrence after the evening dose was that I'd spent the whole day dealing with the lingering effects and had nothing left to give. I'm worried about Monday morning, when I have to go to court and appear promptly at about the time I was recovering this morning. I'm hoping enough time will have passed over the weekend for me to get used to the medicine and maybe be able to handle it a bit better. As for work - well, it's almost a joke now that the steps the people working under me took to get their work done more quickly have probably ended up costing us time overall compared to just sticking with the old way, especially if we can actually convince the IT people responsible for the weakest link in our chain to fix their problems. That would have fixed the problems with either way of doing business, but the new way has its own little intricacy that could turn out to be much harder to work around. I could probably order everyone to just abandon ship and go back to the old way, but I don't think that will fix things, and I don't want to be the one blamed for making "the bad decision that sank the project" if things ultimately don't work out. I honestly have no idea which course is better at this point, so we might as well plow ahead on the current one which at least has the backing of everyone who never should have been involved in the decision in the first place. I'll continue to do what I can to keep everyone productive - when I'm not missing work to attend to things like jury duty, throat infections, and depression counseling. Oh, and using up all the leave that I haven't had much chance to take earlier in the year, which isn't used when I take off for jury duty, throat infections, or depression counseling. However, part of my counseling includes shedding the feelings of guilt that have kept me tied to the project and hoarding leave all this time - I've got three months left to figure it out, and the last week or so is almost a given, since it's Christmas week. I can take single days at a time and not have to worry too much about missing important happenings.

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