Two prison officers steal a cow. Of all the things to steal....

Soon-to-be couples rent fake cakes for their weddings and have cheap sheet cakes to serve to the guests. Geez, why not just admit you're too cheap (and sane) to get a real cake and just let everyone see the cheap one?

A boy calls detective Matt Parks and offers to sell him drugs. A popular sci-fi magazine tried to interview Parks, but he became fed up when they refused to ask him any questions, insisting that he read their minds.

A police officer shoots herself in her sleep with the gun under her pillow. Obviously, her attempt to learn gun safety by osmosis failed.

Someone drove a dump truck into a wave pool. My guess is that they were trying to steal the water so they could have a wave pool at home, and just didn't think things through very carefully.

Blue Lobster. That gives me a strange and very bad idea.

The judge who's still suing his dry cleaners for $54 million burst into tears as he remembered his beloved pants and the creul, cruel Chinese people who took them away from him. I should have watched the report on Fox last night... it's the most hilarious court case ever.

Japan gets cucumber-flavored Pepsi. I want cucumber-flavored Pepsi. Screw Summer Mix. I want Pepsi Green!

A Staten Island politician has taken offense to "Staten Island Landfill" ice cream. Sue the makers for $67 million... then we'll talk.

Elderly man beats elderlier woman with a hammer when she refuses to loan him gambling money. And he's proud of it. Our nursing homes aren't safe for the elderly.

A high school teacher quits after removing a student's garter with his teeth at the prom. The question remains... if that wasn't supposed to happen, why was she wearing the garter in the first place?